The Magic That Is . . . Janis

There's So Much I Could Never Say To Your Face

2011-09-27T09:50:00.001-04:00

Ah, the power of music. Recently, while driving to an appointment, I was listening to Amy Winehouse's Frank CD. I normally skip around to my favorite songs, but for whatever reason, I listened to the entire CD. The last track, Amy, Amy, Amy is one of my favorites, but this time I let the track play out in its entirety. Just following Amy, Amy, Amy, there is the Outro, a small segment of chat with music, then another song begins. Two songs on the same track, who knew? Oh, and what a song.

Listening to Brother, I was struck with how the lyrics, yet again, relayed to my life and my relationship with my brother. Two verses, in particular stood out (bolded below).

I really enjoy Winehouse's music and when I listened to Frank a few years ago, I was in love - with her voice, her honesty and her bravado. If you've never listened to Amy or only know her as the "Rehab" girl, take a listen. You'll find you are a changed person afterwards.

Brother

There's so much that I could never say to your face

Bye, bye now

You should know the world and all its ways so find your place


How do I find words that do not condescend

When she bore you before me

'Cause she doesn't need a child, she needs a friend

A son not a sob story



(Now you must have never heard of what she did for you)

And your priority, it must be heard

(Now you must have never heard of what she did for you)

'Cause we'll never be the way we were



She can't always be there just to hold you down

Our mother

When you are at a age now well life turns around

My brother



Realize that you don't have to answer to no man

Responsibility comes down to you

But how can I expect you to understand

When you live life like its so run through



(Now you must have never heard of what she did for you)

Your priority, it must be heard

(Now you must have never heard of what she did for you)

'Cause we'll never be the way we were



(Now you must have never heard of what she did for you)

And your priority, it must be heard

(Now you must have never heard of what she did for you)

'Cause we'll never be the way we were



The way we were, we'll never be

And your priority, it must be heard

So Take Me As I Am

2011-07-24T15:19:00.004-04:00

Lately, I have been showing my B**ch side a bit more often than people would prefer. I am usually pretty good at keeping her, I.J., (a.k.a. Irritated Janis) in check, but something has changed. I can't seem to put my finger on it exactly. Then, while thinking about it yesterday, I realized it isn't just ONE thing that makes me a B**ch, it is many things. Before I count the ways, let me state for the record, these are MY opinions and should you ever find yourself disagreeing with my opinions, maybe this blog isn't for you. (B**CHY!)
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)

Okay, well you had the 3 seconds to click away. So you've been warned . . .

10 Reasons I Am a B**ch:

I am a mother of twin toddler boys. One toddler can make someone b**chy, but make it double and there is no turning back. Even though you may think I make it look easy, I am here to remind you it is not. It is exhausting and as a result, I get b**chy.
I am a stay-at-home-mom with assistance only from my husband. Translation: My husband and I are the ONLY people who care for our kids 24/7. Neither family assists, we can't justify the expense of a babysitter simply because we are tired (we are always tired), we don't do daycare, the boys are not in pre-school yet, etc. When I hear other families complain that they don't get enough help or the right kind of help from family, or the daycare doesn't do things as they like, or they wish their babysitter did more of this or that, I often times bite my tongue, which by the way hurts like hell. This is such a touchy subject for a lot of people and I know there will some b**chy comments in response, but so be it. This is my rant - take your rant to your blog.
I have Beta Thalassemia and as result, I am in a constant state of low energy. Most often I overcompensate for this lack of energy, pushing myself to be "normal" like everyone else. So, when I am low on energy and can't rest, I become a tad b**chy as a result.
I have a low tolerance for lazy, inconsiderate, and/or selectively incompetent people and people who take advantage of my good nature/hard work ethic. Not sure this needs further exploration. This is by far, of late, the main reason, for my b**chiness.
I let my envy get the best of me. There, I said it. I am an envious person and that makes me a b**ch.
I care about other people's feelings. As a result, my tendency to be overprotective translates to being a b**ch.
I am passionate about what I believe in. Translation - Don't get in the way of my reaching my goals.
When I am truly right about something, I cannot stand to be second guessed. Hey, can I help it if I am right a lot of the time? I am not being boastful here. Years of seeing both sides of a situation makes me a very good judge of many, many things.
I get tired of being the planner. Yes, I am good at it. Yes, I am a person who makes things happen. Yes, I have done it for you in the past. Well, guess what, I don't always want to be the one who does it.
I cannot stand when subjects warranting a in-depth or personal conversation are handled via text or email. Pick up the damn phone!

Even though all of my reasons above are "valid" (in my mind, of course), I can't help but recognize the B**ch uproar might have been punctuated by the days-on-end horrendous heatwave we endured this past week. Add in a faulty air conditioner, non-napping toddlers, cabin fever and lack of sleep, it may come as no surprise why I.J. made an appearance.

You Live, You Learn - A Recap of My 30's

2011-07-13T19:40:00.006-04:00

Ah, the eve of my 40th birthday. Oh, what a decade the 30s were for me, so much lived and learned. Let's take a look back shall we:

Age 30: Worked for a Fortune 500 company in a department that didn't recognize my value. Began making my personal life a priority and made several life changing decisions, one being a breast reduction (best decision ever!). Suffered the consequences of an on again/off relationship. Encouraged by a good friend, I decided to finish my bachelor's degree while working full-time.
Age 31: I began to repair my career reputation in a new role. I entered therapy to try to stop the ongoing choice of bad romantic partners. I joined a beach house - another life changing decision.
Age 32: I met the man who would later become my husband at a beach house party. I began to realize what it really meant to be in a relationship with the right person. I started yet another job within the same company - a job no one else wanted and I didn't enjoy, but excelled nonetheless.
Age 33: I got engaged and planned the wedding/honeymoon while I worked full time and took two college classes every 8 weeks. Thankfully, I had a very supportive fiance.
Age 34: I became a Mrs., enjoyed an amazing honeymoon in Italy, graduated Magna Cum Laude, and began another new job in the company.
Age 35: Began to really dislike my job and my boss after I made the decision not to take the generous severance package offered companywide months prior. My job responsibilities tripled and I was required to travel a lot, causing tension in my new marriage. Finally, after 14 "interesting" years with the same company, I left with a severance package and a new job waiting for me at a small firm. After a year of trying to have a baby, we acknowledged we needed help and pursued infertility treatment. After being labeled "unexplained infertility", I endured three insemination procedures and two IVFs with negative pregnancy test results each and every time. I don't succeed in giving my stepfather the grandchild he had hoped for before he dies of lung cancer.
Age 36: I tell my husband I need a break from the infertility roller coaster. We enjoy some serenity for awhile before I put another project on the table - sell my townhouse and buy our dream home. Shortly after we signed the contract for our dream home, I staged my house like an HGTV pro and we were in a contract within two weeks.
Age 37: While still in my year off from Project Baby, I tried new things like hot yoga and acupuncture and decided to train for the 60 mile 3 Day Susan G. Komen walk in Philadelphia. Shortly thereafter, we switched infertility doctors and I began preparing for my 3rd IVF. In the midst of training for the 3 Day and beginning IVF proceedings, my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer and a few weeks later, due to the declining economy, I was laid off from my job of 2 years. In anticipation of a successful IVF, my doctor cautioned against further training and/or participation in the 3 Day. Soon after the procedure, I learned the happy news - we were pregnant with twins! After a few scares along the way and months of vomiting, our healthy boys were born May 28. Six weeks later, I spent a week in the hospital recovering from a potentially life-threatening emergency appendectomy.
Age 38: I struggled terribly with postpartum depression, the daunting responsibility of caring for twins as a stay-at-home-mom, and being the emotional, physical, and financial support for my mother during her illness. There were many a day I truly didn't think I would make it. Many times I was ready to take drastic measures but couldn't hurt my family in that way. I began taking medication to keep me sane and alive.
Age 39: A very emotional year of finding my voice and dealing with the consequences. My mother elected to end her cancer treatments and entered a hospice program. I took my boys to see her for the last time on her 65th birthday. Less than 4 months later, I watched her take her last breath. Now, nearly three months later, I am no longer medicated and I am on the verge of a new decade of possibilities. My mother's death, as unfortunate the event, has set me free to realize all the things she hoped for me and all the things I had hoped for myself. I am becoming the wife I wanted to be, the mother I secretly thought I could be, the friend one would treasure and the individual who knows her contributions matter and are valued. C'mon 40, LET'S DO THIS!!

Ch-ch-ch-changes - Blogpost share from Frugal Mama

2011-06-19T20:31:00.002-04:00

I have been enjoying Amy Suardi's Frugal Mama blog for some time now. She recently posted about a topic that hit home with me, something I have neglected over the last few months.

I recently told you of my struggle to write lists of late. To me, writing lists helps me to realize achievements - the big, the small and the mundane. This past week, I emerged from my list writing fog, and actually put thoughts/goals on paper (in ink!). As a result, I accomplished many tasks this week, to say the least. I am not sure what changed and I don't really need to know. All I need to know is I am about to achieve incredible accomplishments this year and reading Amy's post today felt like the universe was in agreement. Stay tuned as I will soon reveal my two major goals for this year (I've decided to restart a new year when my next birthday arrives 7/14). Meanwhile, enjoy this blogpost share from Frugal Mama - Don’t Read This if You Want Your Life to Stay the Same.

I Just Called To Say I Love You

2011-06-16T22:34:00.000-04:00

My mother is reaching out to me in the most unexpected ways. Tonight, I was at a Happy Hour with some girlfriends. The place was having a deck party featuring a band playing popular songs. Much to my dismay a few of my former bosses were at another table. I know at least one recognized me but we did not acknowledge each other. We didn't have a falling out necessarily, but although I delivered outstanding results for him, he didn't like me. After awhile the feeling was mutual.

During my trial and tribulations working at that company, my mother heard many, many stories of the bullshit I endured daily. She was my sounding board and my cheerleader. "Don't let the bastards get you down", she would often say.

My evening was pleasant overall and it was fun catching up with the girls while the band played your typical bar party pleasers. At one point though, the band sang a song I would have never expected. When I heard the words, "No New Year's Day to celebrate . . . " I was brought back to my childhood bedroom where I was acting out the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's I Just Called To Say I Love You. Later on, my mother admitted to having secretly watched me in this moment. When we used to talk about the old times, inevitably this song performance would be lovingly recalled.

Coincedence?? Who knows, but when was the last time you heard a band play this song and it wasn't a wedding, but rather a happy hour on a Thirsty Thursday night? Being the sentimental chick of late, I saw it as my mom saying "Don't let those bastards get you down. That part of your life is over, thank god! I love you, now have fun with your friends."

I just called to say I love you
I just called to say how much I care, I do
I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart, of my heart,
of my heart

~ Stevie Wonder

My Friends

2011-06-12T13:40:00.001-04:00

Source - Wikipedia

I am so very fortunate to have such dedicated friends. I can't imagine how disturbing it must be to try and reconcile how the public Janis is most times witty, caring, playful and the private Janis is bitter, hurtful, depressed. One can give my parents credit with giving me such an appropriate name, as my namesake, the mythical creature Janus, is depicted having two heads - one facing east to signify the future (public Janis), the other facing west signifying the past (private Janis).

I am not naive to think my friends aren't aware of my "other" side, as we all have our public and private persona. It is just that with this blog, I can't see the reader's expression so I don't know if I trespassed on the boundaries of friendship, perhaps maybe lost their interest or worst of all, angered them.

I write this blog not to shock people or ask for pity. I write this blog as an outlet. Most often after the entry is posted, I am all at once depleted, relieved and slightly scared I have offended someone. Only slightly, as this apprehension has obviously not stopped me from writing some disturbing posts.

I am continually surprised how people I would least expect, can relate to the pain and anger I express. How my words can fit my life, yet relate to someone else so entirely different from me. I don't expect people to reach out to me in response to my posts. When I do get feedback, I am often flabbergasted at the connection my words can make with another person's situation.

Over the course of this blog, I have had people contact me privately to share their stories. One particular heartbreaking story I learned about today inspired this post and a search through my iTunes catalog for an appropriate song - My Friends (Red Hot Chili Peppers).

Closer to Fine

2011-06-12T00:04:00.001-04:00

I wish I could say I was closer to fine, but I am not. This becomes all too apparent, when during the quiet hours of my evenings, after I have put the day's actions to bed, the thoughts I had silenced all day find their voice. I had a lovely day with my husband and children today. A day when even doing the mundane was simply pleasant, enjoyable if just for the company I had along the way.

Then, there I was, lying in bed, not quite ready to turn out the light, and "they" rebound. "They" are the thoughts I squelch during daylight hours.

Why do I always have to be the one who reaches out? Why do I feel I must overlook and just keep trying over and over to keep the connection? You are now my only connection to the life I once knew, why don't you see this and step up? Why can't you be the person "I" need rather than the person you are comfortable being? I need you now, more than ever, and I feel an even greater divide between us. I realize you are in mourning too, so why don't you share that with me? Why do I feel even more alone? Why don't I just stop trying? Why don't I accept the limitations in others, in you, more gracefully? Why I am having this ridiculous conversation with myself AGAIN? WTF is wrong with me??!! Why can't I just give up on the relationship I wish for and accept the reality? For God's sake, Janis, grow the FUCK up!!!!

". . . well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

 . . . there's more than one answer to these questions 
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source) 
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine"

   - Closer to Fine - Emily Saliers

The Dreaming Tree

2011-06-10T20:16:00.003-04:00

With Dave Matthews Band songs playing on my ear phones, I settled in tonight to write thank you notes for the gifts I received acknowledging my mom's passing.

As I wrote the first two or so, I was doing okay. Then, I got to the thank you to my grandmother. She sent a very generous gift and I was writing the many ways I could use those funds to memorialize my mother. This is where the tears started to form, but not released, just brimming on the edge. The next two thank you cards I chose to include moments shared with my mom and the tears started to fall.

Meanwhile, in the background I heard the words "Remembered mother's words there beneath the tree - No matter what the world, you will always be my baby" coming through on my ear phones. In all the times I have listened to DMB, I don't recall ever hearing The Dreaming Tree. I immediately Googled the lyrics and listened to the song again and again, tears streaming down my face.

In a book a friend sent me to help me through the hospice experience, the last chapter quoted an excerpt from Hello from Heaven, a book about accounts of what the authors, Bill and Judy Guggenheim, called After Death Communication (ADC). ADC is where someone is contacted by a deceased person in a direct, spontaneous event. Even though the words streaming over my ear phones is not an example of ADC, perhaps it is a prelude to my mom reaching out to me. She always told me time and time again "you will always be my baby".

Music is very important to me and I would often share with my mom songs that were meaningful to me, specifically the lyrics. She was always patient to listen to the song, even if it wasn't her style, because she knew the sentiment of the lyrics were so important to me. How fitting she would choose to communicate with me via a song. Bravo, Mom - great choice! Love you!!

New Blog - The Magic That Is . . . Thrift

2011-06-05T08:29:00.001-04:00

I recently started a new blog that focuses on my thrift passion. So check it out when you have a moment - The Magic That Is . . . Thrift. I will keep this blog open and it will focus on my entrance into my 40's, the ongoing experience of motherhood, friendships, overcoming the past, etc. Basically, "Thrift" will be fun and lighthearted, while "Janis" will continue to be a mix of up and downs, a mirror of my life.

Please know I appreciate all of you who have stood by me as this blog has evolved. I know some of my post subjects are not easy to read. Just a warning, the subjects will continue to be challenging, and in exchange, I promise to include a good share of smiles along the way.

Thanks again for reading this blog.

Farewells

2011-05-30T04:25:00.002-04:00

This past week I bid farewell to two influential women in my life. One was the woman who brought me into this world and the other, a woman I never met, but was a part of my life for over 20 years. Remarkably, both had similar personalities and these are just a few examples of their common bond:

Both have January birthdays and Aquarius as their sun sign.
Each has an amazing ability to connect with people of all levels.
Both love animals and treat them like children.
Each had the desire to be teachers by profession, but chose to teach through their everyday actions rather than in a classroom.

Both suffer from emotional eating and weight issues.

The one thing that connects all three of us is a painful past of childhood sexual abuse. When I finally told my mother of my childhood sexual abuse, she was stunned and devastated. Stunned because she had no idea what had occurred in her own house and devastated because she felt she was to blame. As with my mother's experience, my abuser was never brought to justice. The big difference between my situation and hers was she didn't have to see her abuser again. Similar to Oprah Winfrey, I had to suppress my feelings so my abuser and I could exist as one "happy" family unit.

When Oprah shared her sexual abuse story with her audience, I was surprised. Surprised how a public figure of her magnitude would take such a risk. Survivors of sexual abuse rarely speak out about their experiences because of the stigma attached. Oprah broke past that stigma of shame and allowed people, like me, to become more comfortable with sharing our histories. Oprah allowed "us" a platform and with that, freedom. Freedom to realize that as survivors of sexual abuse we are not to blame, we did nothing wrong and we can survive.

I have told very few people about my incest experience, mainly because I didn't want them to see me as "less" of a person and I didn't want to betray my mother. My mother died on May 24 with me and my abuser by her side. I did my final act as "the good daughter". I am now free to finally and completely sever all ties with my abuser. I no longer have to be in the same room with my brother and pretend we are all one "happy" family unit.

Oprah Winfrey ended her talk show on May 25 and despite all the over-the-top hoopla regarding her final season, her show did have an impact on society and with me. It may sound trite to admit one was "changed" by a television show, but I am a changed person as a result of watching Oprah's show. Many of the show's topics hit home personally, while others opened up my consciousness to the world around me, and some were just entertaining to watch.

My mom and I were both fans of Oprah's show, so I find it fitting my mom's death occurred the same week as Oprah's final episode. I was ready for my mom to find peace and the freedom that peace would afford me. I also felt Oprah's show had finally run its course. Both endings have allowed me, if not forced me, to take what I've learned from both women and apply the lessons accordingly. Thank you ladies. You both taught me, in more ways than one, to be a survivor and not a victim.

Phyllis J. Yeager 1/31/46 - 5/24/11
The Oprah Winfrey Show 9/8/86 - 5/25/11

Don't Call It A Comeback

2011-05-22T18:47:00.000-04:00

Wow, it has been nearly 4 months since my last post. I wish I could say I have been engrossed in an exciting life, but alas, I can only say, I am slowly, slowly coming out of my funk. I think this turning 40 thing has hit me harder than I expected. I am hoping all this introspection and heartache I've encountered on my way to turning 40 is simply the cross I have to bear to enjoy what this new decade has to offer.

I am not sure this post is the start of a blogging comeback for me. I haven't posted in awhile because I really haven't had too much positive to say and nobody really wants to read another less than magical post by Janis. I am not even sure why I am posting today and I really don't feel up to analyzing why either.

As I have stated before, this year has been a real humdinger. The only explanation for my actions this past year is that I've become more authentic whether I set out to be or not. Specifically, in the last few months, I accomplish only what I truly can. When I am tired, I rest. When the boys nap, I relax. When I have the energy to clean, I get out the vacuum and dust cloths. When I have guests for the weekend, I either let my husband do all the meal/activity planning or I greatly pare down my hosting duties. I ask and require more help from my husband. If I need time to myself, I take it. I distance myself from my mother when I need. I forgive myself more quickly when I get upset with my kids. I don't force friendships when there is no reciprocation. I make decisions with my feelings in mind, not the other parties. Most shockingly, I am living a life without adhering to a project list. A control freak planner without her project list?! I never thought I'd let this happen for one day, let alone almost a year.

For the life of me, I have not been able to write a project list. Seriously, I get pen and paper with a mission to write down all my project ideas and somehow I find something else more interesting to do - like sleep, watch t.v. or play an online game (love my Pogo.com lately). I think I am getting closer to writing that project list, but I don't feel the rush. Items will get to the Goodwill when they do, my mom's vintage glassware/china will get sold at some point, my organization for the next resale will happen, etc.

Next weekend begins another busy summer season. My sons turn 2 on May 28, I will be training for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day, we have many family events and travels, I begin my new role as Vice President of our Mothers of Multiples club, I will be the club's resale co-chair prepping for our September sale, and these are the tasks I am aware of. Just keeping twin toddlers busy, every day for the entire summer, will be a task in itself.

At some point I do plan to declare a direction for this blog. I am leaning towards making this blog a frugal/thrifty resource. Meanwhile, I will ~~try to~~ make a commitment to write more often.

Till next time.

P.S. My Independence Day weight loss goal will not be met and although I am disappointed, I am not giving up. Sometimes you have to work on the mental before overcoming the physical.

Hall Pass

2011-02-06T23:21:00.000-05:00

This weekend my hubby granted me a "hall pass" to enjoy some time with a friend of mine. Not just for a lunch or dinner, but for an overnight, a slumber party if you will. Really, a slumber party at your age?? Don't knock it until you try it.

Even though our conversations mostly revolved around marriage and kids, I still felt like a teenager who is sneaking into the parent's liquor cabinet, binging on junk food and staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I introduced her to Estate sales (she was a good sport as we checked out one Saturday afternoon) and she introduced me to knitting. We each agreed to try both again. I have to laugh - me? a knitter? Never saw that day coming. :)

This morning when we awoke, we lounged around drinking coffee, nursed our hangovers, watched a movie (The Social Network - awesome!) and before you know it, it was 3:30, time for me to turn in my hall pass.

My friend JA gets me, doesn't judge me, and isn't afraid to call me out when the situation warrants. In turn, I am free to do the same. That's a sign of a true friendship and I am blessed so many of my friends fall into this special category.

The Perfect Storm

2011-02-02T12:33:00.000-05:00

Mid-life Crisis + Twin Terrible Twos + Cabin Fever + Marriage Taking a Backseat to Kid Survival Mode + Financial Woes + Nearly 40 Years of Repressed Anger Surfacing + Reality of What It Truly Means to be a Mother = The Perfect (Shit) Storm.

I can't really ever escape The Perfect Storm because the destruction left behind will be more devastating than the actual storm itself. In this case, I have to muster all my strength to ride it out. I need to act quickly and find some patches for the lifeboat because the water has begun to pool at the bottom.

Time Bartering

2011-01-30T12:24:00.000-05:00

My husband and I don't go out on date nights ~~much~~ at all, because 1) we don't know a lot of babysitters, 2) babysitting is expensive, 3) when paying for babysitting, it is hard to justify spending more money on the date when the budget is unforgiving, and 4) we feel guilty taking advantage of friends' gifts of free babysitting (if we had just one toddler, we might reconsider, but we don't).

Some might say, well why can't family babysit? Well, unfortunately, that is not an option for us, just take our word for it. So, I decided to take a chance asking a twin mom friend of mine (we'll call her JB) who is in a similar financial situation about a "time bartering" system. I'll babysit your twins, while you and your hubby go out on a date and vice versa. This is a suggestion found often on the frugal websites I follow, so I decided to take a chance. Here are just some of the advantages of choosing JB as my "Time Bartering" partner:

We have similar personalities and quirks.
We live less than 10 minutes car drive from each other.
Our children are of the same age, give or take a month, so we know what to expect.
My children are comfortable with her and vice versa.
Our parenting styles are similar.

JB was all for it and promptly emailed dates of when she would be available to babysit. So, as to not overwhelm one another, we agreed that the first few babysitting times would be after the kids were put to bed. This gives my hubby and me a night out and JB gets to relax at our house while being available for the boys should they wake up. Also, JB's hubby can relax at his house, since shortly after JB leaves to come babysit for us, her girls are sleeping soundly too. A win-win for all. Eventually, we'll move onto babysitting following the afternoon nap and concluding before dinner starts.

Another thing we are trying is the "Meal Prep Bliss Playdate". This is where we each choose 1 night a week where one of us watches all four kids while the other preps meal(s) uninterrupted. We did a test run this past Friday and it seemed to work out well. The kids played well together and JB was able to get a few meals prepped in advance for the weekend. I suggested Fridays to JB since that is the night my hubby makes pizza for dinner, so I don't need to prep anything when I get home with the boys. The next test is when she comes to my house, while I prep. I hope it goes well!

BabyWise - Toddler Version

2011-01-24T12:30:00.001-05:00

When hubby and I had the twins, we knew we needed a schedule to keep some sanity during those first crazy days, weeks and months. Hubby did some research and found BabyWise. After fumbling for a few weeks or so working with the schedule the hospital gave us (feed them every 3 hours), we finally, well truthfully, hubby read the BabyWise book and suggested we follow their Parent Direct Feeding schedule. Besides providing structure to the day, the method promised to have our boys sleeping through the night by 3 months and that is all Hubby needed to hear.

We followed BabyWise for what seemed like countless months and life was manageable considering having twins is chaos in itself. However, something happened in the last few months that derailed our usual "schedule" mindset. The demise all started when we transitioned the boys from two naps a day to one. Somehow finding the best nap time has been elusive and the lack of schedule has caught up with us.

We so wanted our kids to be afternoon nappers and they are, technically. Part of their nap takes them past noon, but I was hoping for the SAHM version of nap nirvana where they sleep for 3 HOURS EVERY AFTERNOON. Dream on, Janis, dream on. My boys have other plans and these plans include, on a good day, napping for 1. 5 hours (most times to the minute) each day from 11:30 - 1, give or take 30 minutes if they horse around before they settle down.

Not only have they decided this unique nap schedule, but they have decided of late that morning snack time be approximately 1 hour after breakfast and afternoon snack is anywhere between 2 and 4:30, you know, they don't want to be pinned down to any particular time.

Being in my funk of late, I have let us live an every changing "schedule" of feeding/nap/active time for the past few months. I know the boys need a schedule, heck, I am the mother who would wake them from sleeping to keep on the rigid BabyWise schedule, but something happened to get me off track. I can blame teething, holidays, PMS, etc, etc for my lack in diligence, but it is time to get back on the BabyWise train, modified to fit my the boys current pattern.

My task this past week has been to come up with a daily schedule incorporating the usual feeding/nap schedule with activities. The activities have been a challenge, partly because I let them (I can be lazy at times) and partly because the boys rarely stay focused on one thing for too long. I know, excuses, excuses.

Anyway, here is my attempt at a schedule with activities TBD. I would love to hear other parents or daycare providers suggestions for 20 month toddlers (I am almost willing to pay for daycare for a day just so I can watch what they do all day).

7-8am - Hubby wakes boys, changes diapers, clothes them and plays with them in their room. I prep breakfast.
8-8:30 - The boys and I eat breakfast. (Hubby is not a breakfast person.)
8:30 - 10 - Quiet play time, snack and a possible diaper change. Snack usually involves the boys and me sitting at the table, helping me sort through the mail, look at magazines, etc. (I count this as an educational activity - never too early to teach kids about bills, budgets, etc.)
10 - 11 - Boys help me with a project - laundry, playroom organizing, etc or we just play together
11 - 11:30 - Prep boys for nap (diaper change), read books, then leave the room waiting to hear silence
11:30 - 1:00, 1:30 - Blissful nap time (on a good day). I take about 45 minutes to do something or nothing, then start lunch prep.
1:30 - 2:30 Wake boys, change diapers, boys and I eat lunch
2:30 - 4:30 - Activity, which may include: playdate, trip to the mall, story time and weather permitting, play outside. Will do my best to get out of the house or at least plan a creative activity. Oh, and snack somewhere in here.
4:30 - 5:15 - I attempt dinner prep while boys hang onto me and cry or they cry locked away in the playroom (still need to find a solution to this)
5:15 - 6:00 - Dinner, clean up, nightly silly time chasing the boys around kitchen playing hide and seek.
6:00 - 7:00 - Hubby does bedtime duties.

Again, suggestions are welcome.

Celebrating Milestones

2011-01-23T12:48:00.002-05:00

Life is full of milestones and while the standard milestones we celebrate (first car, graduation, first house, etc.) should be acknowledged in grand style, I like to acknowledge the everyday milestones. Things like, "my cat finally stopped howling at 4 a.m. for no reason", "It's okay to wear no make-up, lounge pants and t-shirts when caring for the kids all day, just be sure to change into jeans/nice shirt/earrings, some makeup (at least lipstick,woman!) for running errands", "I finally made it a habit to take vitamins every day", and so on.

Most times, everyday milestones go unnoticed and I think they should be celebrated, if only in a blog post or Facebook status. Here are some of the latest milestones I've celebrated:

The boys:

J learned to climb the diaper changing table. I found this out when I left the room to clean a diaper, leaving him to play in his room with M, only to return with him atop the changing table, flipping the light switch on/off (a new obsession). Although, I am not excited by this accomplishment, I couldn't help but see the joy in his eyes when I asked him to show me how he climbed the changing table. It was amazing to watch because no one showed him how to do it, yet he knew instinctively and I felt a sense of pride, when he looked at me the whole way through as if to say "See, Mommy, I put my foot here, then my hand here. Then . . . " He was so excited to show me what he learned.
Both boys nodding "yes" to questions rather than always "no". Finally, we have some real communication!

Hubby and me:

Parenting is hard for both of us. Hubby finally expressed to me that he finds this whole parenting experience hard on all levels. How comforting to know I am not alone. You see, he rarely gets upset with the boys. He keeps his cool through their tantrums and whining and food throwing and etc., while I turn into a raging maniac of late. He made a good point - he is only with them for short periods of time, while I am with them all day. Even so, we need to tell each other how we feel, more often.
Stop the What Ifs. What if we had bought a smaller house? What if we didn't do IVF? What if I hadn't lost my job before the boys were born? I am guilty of playing the What If game, and my husband agreed he does it sometimes too. It's time to stop. It's time to deal with our life and work hard to make our personal and family goals happen. It is up to us. Amazing how such a revelation is both freeing and scary.

Me:

The time to break the cycle is now. I've enlisted the help of a professional who will help me break the cycle of self-sabotage I have been engaging for far too long. Talking about my problems is helpful, but taking action is what is necessary now. My children need me better now. My husband needs me better now. My friends and family need me better now. I need me better now. It is going to be a tough road, but nothing is as tough as the land mine filled road I have been traveling. Time to take The Road Less Traveled. I have a feeling it is more peaceful there.

A Guest Post - The Idiot Girl's Guide to Costco Shopping

2011-01-09T21:26:00.001-05:00

My friend Donna recently penned The Idiot Girl's Guide to Costco Shopping and posted it to her Facebook page. This essay really showcases her writing talent and I think should she decide to start a blog, she would have many followers.

I look forward to reading her Facebook status updates because no subject is off limits and she delivers her message with amazing wit. Almost every time I read her statuses, I laugh out loud no matter what the topic. My favorites are her shopping observations, particularly her Costco experiences. I can relate to her experiences and no doubt, others will relate as well, so I just had to ask her if I could share.

So, without further ado, please enjoy my first guest post from Ms. Donna Marshall:

The Idiot Girl's Guide to Costco Shopping

Step 1:

Spend 30 minutes mentally perusing your refrigerator, pantry, kitchen cabinets, laundry room, closets, bathroom cabinets, basement, garage, yard and shed to determine items you may need lots of. Make list of items. Include toilet paper regardless of your current stock.

Step 2:

Leave list on coffee table and drive to Costco. Enter Costco parking lot behind the slowest-moving minivan on the planet. Crawl through parking lot behind minivan looking for an available space. Stop near front door to allow 17 shoppers with overflowing carts to inch toward their cars (and freedom). Glance at 44 empty handicapped parking spaces. Breathe deeply. Proceed to parking space approximately one mile from Costco entrance. Curse the parking gods. Look frantically around your purse, the passenger seat, the floorboard and the glove compartment (yes, the glove compartment) for your list. Curse. Convince yourself that you will remember items on list as you shop. Proceed to Costco entrance.

Step 3:

Obtain shopping cart and fumble through your wallet for your Costco membership card. Curse. Swear that you will clean your purse TODAY. Find card. Jockey around slow-moving shoppers exiting store. Breathe deeply. Display Costco membership card to front door guard. Wonder briefly why this is necessary, but immediately stop caring as you walk through the warm, stupid-dust infused blast of air. Gaze lovingly at 60-inch HDTV and question – just for a second – why you had children.

Step 4:

Proceed slowly through main aisle. Stop behind confused woman who can’t decide which way to go. Attempt not to become enraged at woman directly to her left who has stopped in the middle of the aisle to catch up with her neighbor who is directly to her left, thus blocking the entire aisle. Breathe deeply. Inch past seven aisles of housewares and auto supplies because, really? Head to bakery section. Resist temptation to purchase 10-lb bag of Fritos, giant cheesecake, 5lb bag of oatmeal raisin cookies and 24-pack of muffins. Curse metabolism gods.

Step 5:

Walk toward gourmet cheese and meats aisles. Stand in line with four other people making small talk with Costco employee while waiting for microwave to finish cooking chorizo. Taste morsel of chorizo seasoned only with air. Note that it is the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted. Place 5lb package of chorizo into your cart. Inch toward next aisle. Elbow past unsupervised children to grab last piece of melba toast slathered with Boursin. Place 4-pack of Boursin in cart.

Step 6:

Walk past healthy produce section and head for paper aisle. Place case of water on bottom of cart. Take a second to catch your breath. Swear that you will get in shape. Consider purchasing case of Frappucino, but decide against it (not because you’ve sworn to get in shape, but because it’s too expensive). Locate toilet paper and paper towels. Briefly consider purchasing Scott toilet paper, but decide to purchase Charmin instead…because you deserve it. Place toilet paper and paper towels in cart. Consider space issue. Crouch down and wiggle/heave case of water toward the back of the bottom of the cart. Take a second to catch your breath. Place toilet paper at the front of the bottom of the cart. Curse.

Step 7:

Walk toward refrigerated/frozen food aisles. Wait in line with seven other people for Costco employee to finish cooking frozen spinach-ricotta ravioli seasoned only with Pam. Taste ravioli. Decide it’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted. Place $11.99 bag of frozen spinach-ricotta ravioli in your cart. Proceed down aisle. Place 24-pack of Light and Fit yogurt in your cart (for the diet). Place 40-pack of ice cream sandwiches in cart.

Step 8:

Proceed to cereal aisle. Place giant box of Special K (with berries!) in your cart (for the diet). Briefly consider jumbo pack of Pop Tarts. Decide against it (not because you've sworn to get in shape, but because you don't like the brown sugar flavored ones). Proceed to end of aisle. Wait while woman in front of you waits for an opportunity to turn onto main aisle. Breathe deeply. Do not become enraged when she starts talking to her 2-year old and misses break in traffic. Curse. Turn cart around and exit through other end of aisle.

Step 9:

Proceed to pasta aisle. Stop in front of tomato products. Try to remember whether you need tomato sauce or crushed tomatoes. Place both in cart just to be sure. Briefly consider whole grain pasta, but place 8-pack of thin spaghetti in your cart instead (because it says ‘thin’). Place 32oz jar of capers in your cart because it’s only $6.99. Ignore the fact that you use an average of two tablespoons of capers per year.

Step 10:

Proceed to cleaning/laundry products aisle. Place 3-pack of Pledge, gallon of Pine Sol and 120-load jug of Tide. Rearrange items in cart to accommodate new items. Take a moment to catch your breath. Wait for crowd at end of aisle to move into main aisle that is crowded with check-out line overflow. Curse. Turn cart around to exit through other end of aisle.

Step 11:

Proceed to vitamin/pain reliever aisle. Spend 20 minutes desperately searching for 150-count bottle of Midol. Realize that it’s only available at the pharmacy. Wonder why. Curse. Proceed to pharmacy. Notice that it’s closed. Curse. Proceed toward Tampax aisle. Note that Tampax products have been replaced by diapers. Curse. Stomp through aisles to find Tampax products. Note that selection of Tampax items has been changed and no longer includes your favorite. Curse. Place lesser product into cart because it’s still a good deal. Wipe sweat from brow. Breathe deeply.

Step 12:

Proceed to check-out lanes. Quickly scan lanes for shoppers with fewer items in their carts. Secure spot in line. Wait. Realize that you’re thirsty. Really thirsty. Read sign above café. Consider $1.50 hot dog and drink deal. Notice line for café. Curse. Load products onto conveyor belt while woman in front of you writes a check. Hand cashier your membership card. Run to other end of register and frantically place scanned items into cart as she scans them so as not to hold up line. Ask cashier to repeat the total amount spent. Try to hide flash of horror. Breathe deeply. Shove receipt into purse and inch away from register thinking of justifications for amount spent.

Step 13:

Proceed toward exit. Get behind at least one customer with a flatbed cart, one with ADD and one with at least three children in tow. Curse the café customers who have left their carts in the middle of the aisle while they enjoy their $1.50 hot dog and drink deal. Breathe deeply. Proceed past carpet and hardwood flooring samples. Wonder who buys those products. Inch toward Costco exit door guard. Realize (when it's finally your turn) that you’ve shoved your receipt into your purse. Fumble through purse desperately trying to find receipt. Swear that you’re going to clean your purse TODAY. Hand crumpled receipt to Costco exit door guard. Wonder if he thinks you believe he’s actually making a note of what’s in your cart. Roll eyes. Wait for Costo exit door guard to run marker down your receipt and set you free. Proceed to car. Defy laws of physics and squeeze items into trunk. Get into car. Take a moment to catch your breath.

Step 14:

Drive home. Unload items onto kitchen floor in 35 trips. Put items away. Realize that you already have at least 17 of 40% of the items you’ve purchased. Curse. Sit on sofa to rest a moment. Notice shopping list on coffee table. Realize that you forgot to purchase 35% of it. Curse.

Step 15:

Locate vodka. Prepare cocktail. Drink cocktail. Nap. Wake up disoriented. Decide it’s too late to cook dinner. Order take-out.

Mommy & Me Time

2011-01-05T21:28:00.000-05:00

J has been extremely clingy lately, demanding not only to be held, but carried and then just for the heck of it, without warning, he melts into a full on tantrum. Add on M and his occasional neediness, its been one hell of a start to the new year.

J did have an ear infection in early December which we treated with antibiotics, so I chalked up his attitude to experiencing the terrible twos a little earlier than any of us would like. However, after he woke up screaming from a 45 minute nap today, I knew something was up. First, he loves to nap and then, when I tried to get him to eat, he wasn't interested. My J likes to eat. Call it mother's intuition or simply exasperation, I called the pediatrician and scheduled the appointment for when my hubby could watch M, allowing me to take J solo to the doctor's. A few hours later, we leave the pediatrician's office with a prescription for, you guessed it, antibiotics, to treat an ear infection.

When we left the doctor's office, J was not very happy and crying, so I opted not to do the pharmacy drive-thru. I didn't want to endure the screaming and I thought, maybe, if I held him as we waited for the medicine, he would calm down.

He was content in my arms while we waited to confirm the pharmacy had received the prescription. When we were told it would be a 10 minute wait (which we all know means 15-20 minutes), I said to J "Let's go check out the Christmas clearance section."

What fun we had! He was happy to walk the aisle holding my hand. He was a good sport when I tried to put a Santa hat on him and then a reindeer headband thingy. We smelled scented candles and decided the peppermint one was the best. We played with the animated toys and picked out some stuffed toys to add to our Christmas collection. Soon I needed a cart and again, he was a good sport as he sat in the cart while I loaded it up with some clearance items. He even helped put some items in the cart. He didn't cry once and smiled a lot.

Another Mommy & Me time with J

As I drove home and J started to snooze in his car seat, I decided I would suggest to my husband that we start doing some one-on-one outings with the boys. It is very rare for either of us to have just one child to care for and I think it is time, not only for us, but for them. What a pleasure to go out and not get the "twin" comments and questions. J and I were a "normal" mother and son, not drawing attention to ourselves and just going about our afternoon. Who knew an ear infection could bring about a Mommy & Me memory.

Independence Day - In more ways than one

2011-01-02T23:40:00.000-05:00

Wow, when I started this whole Independence Day quest, I never knew how Independent I would become. I wish I could say I am losing weight as I had intended, but I can't, so we will just acknowledge that and move on. So anyway . . .

I recently declared Independence from attending family functions where my comfort and happiness will be compromised. No more feeling anxious and stressed anticipating a family get together. No more drinking glasses of alcohol to get through the event. No more feeling like an outsider. No more putting on my game face and playing the part of the "good" daughter/sister/step-sister.

I was pleasantly surprised my declaration was accepted with grace and understanding. Could I have declared independence years ago? No. I was crippled with fear - fear of displeasing people, fear of rocking the boat, fear of being labeled "crazy"and/or "bitchy". I am not saying I wasn't fearful of having this delicate conversation. I was plenty fearful I would severely jeopardize my relationship with my father and his wife. My father and I have come so far over the years and are in a good place. I was relieved he accepted my decision and added I was always welcome in his home. I must say maturity has served us both very well.

Without knowing my family history, it may be hard for someone reading this to understand my need for this change and will probably have some strong opinions. I am okay with that because I am finally being true to myself. Will my kids suffer as a result of my decision? I honestly feel they won't, because what is most important to me is that they will continue to have a special relationship with their grandparents.

You Can Tell a Book By Its Cover

2010-12-17T06:51:00.001-05:00

I know, I know, I promised a fun post, but what I am about to share with you has taken me for a loop. The other day I decided to look someone up on Facebook, someone I dated in Cleveland. He was a bit of a troubled soul and I was curious if he had finally settled down. Well, he was not on Facebook but there was a web entry linking to a very shocking article about him.

At first, I thought, maybe this isn't him, but the coincidences were too much. The article stated this man was 40 years old, lived in a Cleveland suburb and then I saw his picture. No doubt he was the guy I dated in 1997.

He was charming but also rough around the edges which I attributed to him being a blue collar guy in a rough city. This was fine with me because I was looking for an escape from my straight-as-an-arrow corporate image I was living at the time. We were both in our late 20s, met at a popular bar, and proceeded to date for a few months. During this time, I met his friends, extended family and even went on a vacation with him and his family to Las Vegas. All along, his less than moral demeanor caused riffs in our relationship and this was most evident during the Vegas trip.

When he first mentioned the Vegas trip, I was a little apprehensive. I didn't know him or his family very well and it seemed odd to do such a big trip so early on in the relationship. I wish I had gone with my gut instinct but I didn't and wound up giving his mother a check for the trip (of course, he wasn't paying for me). Just before the trip, we got in a huge fight and I called his parents to say I was not going on the trip. His mother practically begged me to go on the trip (red flag) so I reluctantly agreed. The morning of the trip I contemplated not showing up but I felt that was wrong of me. The plane ride was uncomfortable to say the least as he was not talking to me. Anyway, we get to the hotel and his parents' credit card is declined (red flag). Money issues surfaced the entire trip. Anyway, of course he didn't have a credit card nor did his sister, but I had a credit card, so he said I should help them. I said "no" and he kept persisting and I kept saying "no". Somehow, someway the credit card issue was resolved without my monetary assistance. I guess the family figured I wasn't as gullible as they initially thought. He didn't have any money so I paid my own expenses. After two days of doing nothing but hang out at the hotel and walk around, I finally gave in and "lent" him money, mostly to shut him up. He was relentless. When we returned home, he stopped calling and did not return my phone calls. Lovely. Well, I kept calling because I wanted my money back. Surprise, surprise I never did get my money back and he said to me "I am not going to give you closure." I was shocked he even knew what closure meant.

He resurfaces when the Cleveland Indians make the playoffs later that year. Somehow, he found out I had Playoff and World Series tickets. I agreed to see him provided he pay me back in some way for Vegas. We went out a few times (he paid) and went to a few games. The last I saw him was when I sold tickets to his parents for one of the games. Knowing him and his parents, they probably scalped the tickets.

I figured he would eventually get his act together, settle down and have a family. How wrong was I! The article stated he was sentenced to life in prison for brutally murdering a woman just 10 days following his release from prison in 2008! He didn't know his victim. She was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and thought she was helping a stranger. I learned he was a career criminal having been arrested 36 times and imprisoned 8 times for a variety of offenses including armed robbery. I met him when he was 27 years old, so by that time, he had to have been at least arrested a few times if not imprisoned. Not one person told me of his past. For all I know, he could have been recently released from prison when I met him.

The saying "You can't tell a book by its cover" does not apply in this case. He looked like trouble when I met him but I never imagined how much trouble.

Favorite Christmas Songs

2010-12-10T10:52:00.002-05:00

There are so many Christmas songs out there, enough that radio stations play 24/7 holiday songs from before Thanksgiving until 12/25. Most of them are nice, some I tune out, and some I turn up the volume, smile and sing along loudly (off-key of course!!). Enjoy!

7. A guilty pleasure - The 12 Pains of Christmas
6. Sentimental - Same Old Lang Syne
5. Classic Rock - Father Christmas
4. Something from my generation - Do They Know Its Christmas
3. Movie Soundtrack fave - Love Actually - All I Want For Christmas Is You
2. Theme song for a Christmas spent in Cleveland - Christmas Wrapping
1. Best collaboration - Little Drummer Boy

The Fallout

2010-12-09T00:20:00.001-05:00

Not surprisingly there was some fallout from my last post. Two conversations were had yesterday in response. One was productive while the other was, hmmm, let's just say counterproductive. I don't regret my post and I don't regret the counterproductive conversation. Apparently, it was long overdue for both parties. Today, I recalled that conversation in my head over and over again. Finally, I came to the conclusion sometimes you've just got to say . . .

Well, I don't care what you say
'Cause ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey, I'll do alright by myself
'Cause I know.

Note: My next post will be something fun, like my Whale of a Sale adventure with my friend Jen and my Goodwill Hunting over Thanksgiving weekend.

To Send or Discard

2010-11-21T16:08:00.001-05:00

Here is an email response to my step-sister regarding her invitation for us to come for Christmas this year. When it came time to send, I paused. Sending this email will only result in hurt feelings, so I hit Discard. It is amazing how something as simple as an invite to a holiday dinner could stir such emotion.

Hi there,

After some thought, we have decided to celebrate Christmas at our house this year. When Dad and F visited last, we invited them to come for Christmas and they were non-committal based on their housing situation. Had they committed, I told them I would extend an invitation to you and your sister's families. F said you all would most likely not come because of the drive. I know it is not fair of me to assume you wouldn't come, but I don't think F's comment was off-base. As of now, I still don't know if Dad and F are coming for Christmas, but based on your Christmas invite, I already know the answer.

I know this is a shitty email. I don't know how best to express my hurt feelings over family get togethers. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. For all I know, you are tired of always being the one to host. I know you are just being hospitable in extending invitations to all over the years. Please don't think it is not appreciated. You've always made me and my family feel welcome and included. I think I am just mourning the idea that I would get to host my side of the family for a holiday. I have the husband, the house and the kids now and yet nothing has seemed to change in respect to holiday get togethers. I am still the one that drives all over the place, just now I have more people and stuff to bring with me.

Yes, woe is me. Where is the cheese for my whine?? I know, I know.

Holidays get me every time. They remind me of how my fantasies about my relationship with my family differ so much from the realities. My Dad and his wife have been married for 20 years, yet my relationships with my step siblings are not particularly close. I mean, we get along and play nice at gatherings, but there is a disconnect. My step-siblings children don't call me Aunt and we really only see each other/communicate at Thanksgiving every 2 years, Christmas on alternating years, and major family events (weddings, etc.). Over the years, I find myself getting tired of the charade. I even broached the subject of whether to do a gift exchange this year for the kids because I honestly felt its been a farce the last few years.

I don't know. Maybe it is just Thanksgiving and Christmas that get to me the most. The years of accommodating my divorced parents and their need to assimilate with their new families. Well, I have my own family now. I think it is time for me to create some new realities.

Hold On

2010-10-24T11:13:00.000-04:00

I love music and songs play an important role in my life. I have made many a playlist to suit circumstances in my life: breakups, makeups, girl power, the-world-sucks, workout, hate-my-job, etc.

This morning while getting ready for the day, one of my favorite songs came on. This song worked for a few of my playlists over the years. I must admit when I first heard the song I thought it was cheesy and the video didn't help me feel any different, but one lonely day when I felt the world crashing around me, the song came on the radio and this time, I really listened to the lyrics.

Since then, when I find myself needing a little spirit lift I will sometimes play this song. Other times, the song seems to magically appear on the radio and I find myself belting out the lyrics.

Hold On - Wilson Phillips

I know this pain
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Chorus:
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

(Chorus)

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break free from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to

Turn around and say goodbye

Until then baby are you going to let them

Hold you down and make you cry

Don't you know?

Don't you know things can change

Things'll go your way

If you hold on for one more day yeah

If you hold on

Don't you know things can change

Things'll go your way

If you can hold on for one more day,

If you hold on

Can you hold on

Hold on baby

Won't you tell me now

Hold on for one more day 'cause

It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change

Things'll go your way

If you can hold on for one more day

Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind

Hold on

Baby hold on

Serenity Now!

2010-10-04T10:53:00.001-04:00

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last ~~confession~~ post. I feel like my life has been one big blur of days and weeks. I am not a particularly religious person yet I have found myself finding comfort in applying the words from The Serenity Prayer to my life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
   - For right now, I am a SAHM for better or worse. I know in my heart having a job right now would not be the best for me or my family.
   - I am not a "mommy-mommy" but I love my children with my heart and soul.
   - I am a person who must deal with her depression on a daily basis. This may mean I will be on medication for the rest of my life.
   - I have a mother with Stage IV breast cancer who is best served living in an assisted-living facility rather than living with me.
   - I am estranged from my brother and although this decision disappoints my father, it is one of the healthiest decisions I have made.
   - My parents will never be the doting grandparents who love to babysit.

Courage to change the things I can
   - I don't have to be overweight and unhealthy.
   - I can learn to have more patience and choose my battles.
   - My ego doesn't have to rule every decision I make.
   - I can begin to say "maybe" rather than only "yes" or "no".
   - I can design the type of SAHM I want to be.
   - I can ask for help.
   - I can set boundaries.
   - Being a people pleaser is no longer required.

And wisdom to know the difference
   - This will be forever on my to-do list.

Speaking of to-do lists . . . With all this introspection, it is no wonder my to-do list has not seen the light of day lately. Amazingly, I have managed to get a few things done:

- Read some great books about being a mom and mother of twins: In Praise of Stay At Home Moms (Dr. Laura Schlessinger - yes, Miss Controversial herself), Mommy Wars (Leslie Morgan Steiner), One and the Same (Abigail Progebin), and It Sucked and Then I Cried (Heather B. Armstrong)
- Spent some much needed time with friends.
- Went to and hosted playdates with other twin parents.
- Began cooking a nightly family dinner.
- While the boys napped, I napped and watched my DVR shows.
- Made some money selling items at our biannual Moms Of Multiples Children's Resale event.
- Managed to lose weight despite not exercising nor necessarily eating well.
- Survived our first car vomit incident while heading out with the boys to Hands On House.
- Somehow, someway kept the house in decent condition despite not following the cleaning schedule.
- Enjoyed spending time with my husband and sons just being together.

BEFORE & AFTER: Basement Closets

2010-09-08T14:39:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, I finally tackled two of my basement closets. I wish I could say I was inspired to clean solely because it was long overdue and I wanted to designate items for an upcoming garage sale. Instead, my father and his wife were going to stay with us for a few days and I was embarrassed into cleaning. Embarrassment can be quite the motivator.

Now, I claim to be an Organizing Fanatic and I am, but I have my times of being quite the messy girl. So, okay, here it comes, the BEFORE pics:

Basement Closet #1: The game closet and holder of miscellaneous stuff. I am getting anxious just looking at this picture.

Basement Closet #2: Holder of former life clothes (my and my hubby's business suits), baby stuff, linens and various holiday decor. Clutter Attacks!

A few hours later, many items are designated for sale or donation and storage containers are rearranged several times over to get just the right "fit".

Behold the AFTER pics:

Basement Closet #1: Ahh, see the sheen off the empty shelves. Just breathtaking. I didn't get rid of any games, just super stacked them. We love board games, but since we don't have the time, energy or attention span to play them now, we will someday, so we are keeping them for when we can enjoy Family Game Nights with the boys.

Front View - Look at my labelled storage boxes. So nice. :)

Right side. The black box holds items I need to research before selling.
Yes, that is a Led Zepplin record and I have some '45s
(Rick James' Super Freak - oh, I know you're jealous!)

Left side. Seriously, we have a lot of games. Oh, and I couldn't fit
those nice Snowman candle things neatly into one of the storage totes, so they get
their own real estate on a shelf.

Basement Closet #2: So nice to be able to see the floor (not that the floor is anything pretty to look at) and not be in fear of something falling and hitting me when I open the closet door.

And now, for a sneak peak of an upcoming BEFORE & AFTER post: My Basement Office. Oh, yeah, this was a DOOZY! (Pssst - the empty Cheerios box is for a craft project. I don't store random empty food boxes in my office just for the heck of it. Just sayin'.)

Mid-Life Crisis Realization #22 - What Not To Wear

2010-09-07T16:35:00.002-04:00

I went to the mall yesterday because 1) I needed to just get out of the house for a little bit and 2) I needed to buy some underwear (I know TMI).

I could do a whole post on buying underwear, but I will spare you the inner dialogue I have when I set out to ~~torture myself~~ shop for this necessity. Let's just say it used to be a no-brainer what to buy, now I have other things to consider, like a c-section twin belly and wanting underwear that stays put when caring for two active toddlers. You get the gist.

After I finished the joyless experience of buying underwear, I decided to lift my spirits and shop for clearance jewelry. A favorite past time, where I scour the 65% off costume jewelry for some fun pieces. Let's be honest, my jewelry purchases are rarely fun because they are usually very practical - simple silver hoop earrings and the like. I think between my mom ingraining in me the importance of buying classic pieces (from clothes to jewelry) and having worked for a very conservative Fortune 500 company for many, many years, I don't really know how to have fun with style.

My friends have influenced my look over the years and I have become more "stylish" as a result. Now, I mostly wear v-neck shirts, try to incorporate jewel tones in my wardrobe, add some "sparkle" accessories and splurge on an assortment of quirky summer sandals (love my Payless cheapies!).

So, I walked away from the jewelry clearance rack and headed to the clothing stores. Our mall has some new stores and being kid free for a hour or so, I decided to check them out.

Coldwater Creek: I hope no one takes offense, but CC is a little "old" for me. Most of the clothes, albeit are available in my size, are boxy and shapeless. Oh, and holy crap, expensive.

White House Black Market: Gorgeous, tiny sizes and uber expensive. Just a side note, of course I would love this place. With the clothing 98% black and white, I was like a magnet to its "classic" look.

H&M: Now, I'm too old and too fat for this store. The music was fun to listen to and I felt "cool" just being in there, but when I didn't find my uber size, I immediately felt like a tool.

Anthropologie: Hmmm, how can I explain this in a nice way. Let's just say the style is "different" in a pleasant, floaty, organic way.

Urban Outfitters: LOL. Let's just say the knowing smile on the freckled faced college kid employee was priceless. He might as well have said "Are you lost? Coldwater Creek is down the corridor."

After my hour was up and no purchases other than my before referenced underwear, I left feeling, you guessed it, depressed (what else is new??!!) I don't know how to dress anymore. I'm a SAHM with very limited funds and have come to terms, I have no defined style for this stage of my life.

I am in desperate need of a Clinton and Stacy "What Not To Wear" intervention. If you are my friend, you will submit me for a makeover. I'll even wear my lounge pants in public, just in case I am being "secretly videotaped". I know, I know, I never wear lounge pants in public, so you now know the depth of my desperation. Maybe I'll even wear my stained lounge pants. (Too far? I thought so.)

In search of . . . Garage Sales

2010-09-03T08:39:00.003-04:00

While reading a recent post from one of my favorite blogs, Apron Thrift Girl, I found a really cool website for garage sale fans like myself - Yard Sale Search. I usually check out Craig's List and the local online paper, so this is just another tool to find sales in my 'hood! I've checked out similar sites, but this one actually lists my town as a search option, which almost NEVER happens!

So, tomorrow I plan on checking out a few sales. I haven't been to a garage sale or any thrift sale (Goodwill is in a category all by itself) in several weeks and I now have a list of items I want to buy for the boys. So, maybe I will get lucky and/or at least I will get out, sans the boys, for a little fresh air and treasure hunting.

Hope you all have a lovely Labor Day weekend. I'm starting mine off with some fun in the park with the family today and a Girls Night Out BBQ at Kate's house tonight. This holiday, like most of my holidays lately, is all about being frugal and spending time with family and friends. Maybe I'll see you at a garage sale this weekend. I know you are going to check out the link. :)

A look back - J & M's 1st Birthday, May 2010

2010-09-01T22:23:00.001-04:00

Somehow I never got around to posting pics from J and M's 1st Birthday party. Here's the skinny: The party was held at my in-laws (7 hour drive from here) because hubby and his siblings promised to do a "working weekend" as a anniversary gift for their parents and said weekend (Memorial Day) just happened to coincide with J and M's birthday. So, challenged with a frugal budget and traveling with all decorations and food, we came up with the following:

Theme: Barnyard Dance (the boys love S. Boynton's book!)
Decor: Farm/Ranch inspired with homemade Barnyard Dance hats and cake toppers (made by Hubby)
Menu: Baked Potato bar with fixings for 15 ; lemonade and ice tea
Cake: Homemade carrot cake (birthday party) and cupcakes for actual birthday (the party was held after the actual birthday)

Birthday Boy Shirts worn on their actual birthday (both shirts bought at a clothing resale)

Birthday Party:

All table decor were items I had already,
except: cow display, bandanas,
and shower curtain liners (used as table cloth).

Close up of my cow display:
Cows found at Goodwill ($1 each)
Dollar Store floral grass.

Cowboy hats purchased at Oriental Trading

Party favors for the boys and their cousins. Homemade Barnyard Dance party hats!
Yummy trail mix - kid and adult options.

J and M opening cards in their barnyard overalls. :)

All our gifts to J & M featured my homemade stencil wrapping paper.
Love Oriental Trading's stencil collection!

I'm Baaccckkkk!

2010-09-01T10:23:00.000-04:00

Back on Facebook, that is! Some of my friends like this blog and to make it easy for them to access it, I created The Magic That Is Janis page on Facebook. To get updates, all they have to do is click the "Like" button and let the Magic begin. All I have to do now is send an email to the masses and find out who's a fan of my silly, indulgent blog. :)

On My Own

2010-08-31T22:40:00.000-04:00

Today and tomorrow I have the boys solely on my own from wake to sleep while hubby is traveling for work. Considering my state of mind lately, I am sure my hubby had some nervousness when he left this morning for the airport. He was kind enough not to share his concerns and I am thankful for that. He's my rock.

So, the day started off well. The boys ate their breakfast and didn't throw a single item of food on the floor. I took a lovely picture of them and sent it to hubby. Diaper changes went smoothly. They napped peacefully and I only cried a little when I wrote my "Being Honest" post.

After a semi-successful lunch (a few items were thrown on the floor), I got everybody changed, put on their shoes and we headed out for some retail therapy. Goodwill, here we come.

The Goodwill was a little busier than I expected for 2pm on a Tuesday. The boys really weren't into it and honestly neither was I. The children's books were a mess and the kids clothes were practically cleaned out. We stayed long enough for J & M to get their fill of flirting and waving. As we were checking out, J showed his telltale signs of "I need a nap" - silliness, touchy-feelyness and finally, crying. Moments later, in the SUV, J was asleep. Like clockwork that kid.

Trying to be a good mother, I opted to do a quick grocery stop to get some food for their dinner. Maybe they've had enough of my homemade mac'n'cheese and something different might stop the food throwing at dinner. Despite waking up two sleeping boys, completing a full change for one (Thanks M for drinking all that water), a cart change (J took the steering wheel out of the first car cart) and slow cashier, we survived the excursion unscathed.

Fast forward to dinner of rotisserie chicken, green beans and mini potato cheese pierogies - all of which made their way to the kitchen floor in record time. I kept my calm for the first few pieces, but lost it when it became a free for all. I decided the boys were going to bed without their supper and put them in the play room while I cleaned the dishes, the floor, and the high chairs. Thankfully, the boys could care less about my temper tantrum and proceeded to have a lovely time playing. I guess they weren't that hungry after all. Maybe they could have let me know that beforehand.

Finally, it's 6pm and time to get them ready for bed at 7. I kept my calm during their diaper changing screams, but lost it during the teeth brushing. I just cried which made M cry, and J was already crying because it was his teeth being brushed, so everyone was crying. Teeth brushing completed and both boys are still crying. So, to keep my sanity in check, I put them in their cribs and left the room. They cried while I straightened their playroom and were still crying intensely when I finally walked back into the room minutes later.

The evening ended with a group hug, kisses, reading our new Goodwill books, more hugs and kisses, a giggle or two and even more hugs and kisses followed by whispered "I'm sorry for getting upset. Mommy will get better. I love you soooo much and that will never change. I love you."

Being Honest

2010-08-31T10:56:00.001-04:00

I logged onto Facebook today, a) because they make it so damn easy to reactivate your account and b) I have been trying to create a The Magic That Is Janis Facebook page and I needed to research current pages as I am STRUGGLING with creating said page.

Anyway, while on FB, I noticed my friend Jen was online, so I dropped her a note that I was trying to start a FB page and what a pain in the ass it was. She totally understood as she always understands me. She then asked how I was doing. Ah, the loaded question. Do I lie and say all is well or do I be honest? I chose honesty and so happy I did.

Jen referred me to a blog, Dooce, by Heather Armstrong. Heather talks about her struggles with depression, post partum depression, raising kids, etc. She also has a book, "It sucked and then I cried" chronicling her depression following the birth of her first daughter.

I know a lot of people don't understand depression and just how debilitating it can be. Lately, I have been feeling my husband and children would be better off without me. My husband deserves a better wife and my kids deserve a mommy that doesn't scream at the top of her lungs, throw things and cries, cries, cries. I don't want them to suffer because I am in so much mental pain. I love them too much and they deserve so much more than what I am capable of giving. If I leave, I will always be the mother who left them and I can't bear to know they might think it was because I didn't love them. Just the opposite, I love them so very much, I don't want to scar them with my mental illness. I need help.

J & M will be awake soon from their morning nap (oh, yes, still with the morning nap at 15 mos. - aye carumba!). I think we will head out for a little bit. I think some fresh air, even if it is oppressive heat wave air, will do us all some good.

Jen, I can't thank you enough for being there and not being afraid of my honesty.

Tuning Out

2010-08-27T10:37:00.000-04:00

I did the unthinkable - I deactivated my Facebook account today. Don't panic! Apparently, I can reactivate at any time without losing anything, which I find a little disheartening. I want a clean break because I am one of those who thinks the world should operate with choices of "yes" or "no", so I have little tolerance for "maybe". Boundaries work best for me. When I deactivated my account, I wanted to get a message saying "Thanks, it was fun. See ya!". Instead, I got "You can always reactivate your account." Ugh!

Why leave Facebook? I was using Facebook as a crutch. Living in my very closed world as a SAHM, I used Facebook as an outlet to communicate my frustration, boredom, and any other random emotion I felt compelled to disclose. Lately, I have been in a very dark place and who wants to hear about that??!! I mean Facebook is about projecting a happy, happy image 24/7. Besides, I want to focus on connecting with people one-on-one or in small groups. With all the advantages of Facebook, I still felt so very alone at times and strangely, a voyeur, looking at all the happy people living their lives.

Anyway, there is one drawback to leaving Facebook. I don't have anywhere to "share"my blog posts, so I will have to make an effort to send the word out to friends to "follow" me so they can read my blog. I have gotten some very nice feedback from people who say 1) they relate to my posts and 2) are inspired by the posts - especially the organizing and thrift posts!

Independence Day update: Based on my actions lately, I have apparently hit the "pause" button for Month 2. I never wrote my goals for month 2, I have not been exercising as much as I would like and I have been eating "bad" things. So, I am going to focus on not gaining weight this month, exercising as much as I decide and prepare for month 3.

Confessions Parts 1 & 2

2010-08-16T04:14:00.001-04:00

Confession Part 1: It's 3:30 a.m. and I just finished a box of Whoppers. Not only did I just consume 665 calories in one sitting, I did so while watching the GetInsanity fitness program infomercial. Nice, right??!!! I feel sick to my stomach and feel a headache coming on from the overload of sugar. Why did I do this? Oh, it is the same old story - frustration.

I am frustrated I cannot sleep and that this is the second time this weekend where I have awoken in the middle of the night without being able to return to sleep easily. I know another day will follow where I am fighting exhaustion while taking care of two toddlers.

I am frustrated I didn't exercise yesterday. I allowed a busy day with the family and exhaustion from little sleep to keep me from my goal. Grrrr!

Confession Part 2: This is the second time this weekend I succumbed to temptation. I was craving something sweet Saturday night and I decided to satisfy my sweet tooth, but in a controlled way. I opened a box of Milkduds and counted out one serving (13 Milkduds for 170 calories). I ate the serving slowly with lots of water. I ate a second serving and closed the package. Oh, let me not forget to mention I ate both servings while watching t.v. (my nemesis!). Strangely enough, I was proud of myself for not eating the whole box. C'mon, let's get real! I shouldn't have opened the box in the first place.

Talk about self sabotage! I just celebrated a 12 lb weight loss with food! Will I ever learn??!!! ARGH!!!!

Deep breath! Okay, okay, berating yourself only makes it worse. Focus, focus, focus!

It's now just after 4 a.m. and I've been up for 2 hours. Although, I am tempted to write my Month 2 goals now, I am going to try to return to bed and get some much needed shut eye. I will write my goals later this morning after I have completed my workout. Oh, Month 2 goals, how I look forward to the fresh start!

Independence Day - Month 1 Accomplishments

2010-08-14T10:07:00.004-04:00

Today, marks the beginning of Month 2 towards my Independence Day (July 14, 2011). Before I set my goals for this month, let's take a moment, shall we, to reflect on Month 1's achievements or lack thereof.
Month 1 Goals/Focus:

Take a daily multi-vitamin. I succeeded most of the time. Still need to focus on this.
Measure portions and write down what I eat. I did measure portions but never once did I write down what I ate. I really need to focus on this because based on the amount of weight I lost this month, I probably didn't eat as much as I probably should have each day.
Drink water. This was the easiest to achieve; however, I probably should have drank more on some days.
Reduce or eliminate consumption of sugar, cheese, and processed foods. I did succeed on reducing my sugar and cheese intake, but still consumed more processed foods than I would have liked.
Walk 5 days a week. This occurred 3 of the 4 weeks. Not sure what happened last week, but I only walked once.
Write a master list of projects and choose 3-5 projects to accomplish for this month. Never wrote the master list but did accomplish several projects this month. Still need to write the master list.
Read books on nutrition and food (no diet books!). I really enjoyed this goal and completed several books, even unrelated books. I am happy to say, my joy of reading has returned.
Complete a blog entry at least 1x a week. A success - 10 entries in Month 1.

Month 1 Weight Loss (appearance): (drumroll please) . . . 12 lbs! My muffin top (or cinnamon roll top, as I like to refer to my jelly belly) is slightly smaller. My clothes fit more comfortably and my double chin has receded to a chin and a half. I love progress!!

Month 1 Weight Loss (spirit): I am proud of how I worked on my bad eating habits (emotional eating and eating while watching t.v.) this month. I had some emotional battles this past month, but I didn't allow them to derail me. With reading all those books, I found myself watching less t.v. Oh, I am beginning to like this new Janis.

Today, I am going to a party and will see a lot of my friends. Yes, the food and alcohol will be very tempting and luckily I will have our active 14 month old twins to distract me. When I am not chasing my kids, I think I will ask my friends for their input on my Month 2 goals. My friends have strong opinions and are avid exercise people, so Month 2 goals should be interesting.

Top 6 - Excuses I use to avoid exercise

2010-08-08T10:58:00.000-04:00

I was writing a post about how I haven't exercised in four days, how I was feeling blah and how I didn't know how I was going to fit in exercise today, when it occurred to me, instead of writing a post, I should get on the treadmill while the boys were napping.

While on the treadmill I thought about the excuses I use to either avoid exercise or at least postpone it:

6. I'm tired. So cliche`, I know, but I am really tired. You see, the boys didn't nap today, I was up in the middle of the night, etc. (We all know you have more energy after some exercise.)

5. My iPod isn't charged. I really like to listen to some upbeat music when working out. (How long does it take to charge the iShuffle??!! Anyway . . . how about asking a friend to walk, you know, and engage in some adult conversation? Just sayin'.)

4. I don't have time. Whether it is because I am taking care of the boys, doing projects, cleaning, paying bills, writing blog posts, flossing my teeth, you name it, I suddenly don't have time to exercise. (There is always time to exercise, even for just 15 minutes.)

3. A 15 minute work-out, why bother? I mean, really, I am just getting started when the timer clocks 15 minutes. I dirtied a pair of socks for 15 minutes??!! (If you didn't do the 15 minutes, you would not have done ANYTHING at all. Besides, 15 minute blocks a few times a day, add up. Oh, and really now, dirty socks?! You know you can use those same socks for the 2nd and 3rd 15-minute blocks. That's right, that's what I said!)

2. My back hurts. I really should rest my back so it is stronger for tomorrow's exercise. (Aw, poor baby! We both know exercise will help your back feel better. I bet if you added some stretches, your back would love you! If it hurts to put your shoes on, just ask hubby, he'll be happy to help.)

1. I just don't feel like it because I am (fill in the blank). I am cranky, angry, frustrated, bloated, depressed, etc, etc, etc. I don't want to, I don't want to, I DON'T WANT TO! (Alright, alright, don't throw a hissy fit. Since you are acting like a baby, let's take baby steps. Get out your sneakers from the closet. Take a break. Now, put on your socks and sneakers. Breathe, breathe. Grab a glass of water or fill up your water pack. Play some Wordscraper on Facebook. Take your water and go downstairs/outside. Breathe, breathe. Put one foot in front of the other and repeat.)

Cleanin' Out My Closet - Project Day 7/24

2010-08-03T20:47:00.001-04:00

Two weeks ago, my husband and I instituted Project Days. Each weekend, we each get a day to work on projects while the other spouse takes care of the kids. Project Day (PD) guidelines:

You sleep in or at least don't start working on projects until 10am. This ensures you have the opportunity to rest before embarking on your projects.
You decide which projects to tackle and how many.
You are responsible for preparing and feeding the kids dinner (5pm) on your PD. This allows kid duty (KD) spouse to rest a little before the kids night time routine.
If we have a social commitment on any given weekend, we modify or cancel the PD altogether.

I chose Saturdays for my PDs because it allows me the opportunity to check out thrift sales prior to my PD start time. My first PD, I opted to forgo the thrift sales so I could be well rested for my busy day ahead. Although many of my projects concern decluttering to identify items for an upcoming garage sale, the projects I chose for this first PD were solely organizational and focused on 3 areas that have been bugging hubby and me:

Coat closet
Under the kitchen sink
Laundry Center

Since I am practicing frugality, I challenged myself to organize these areas using bins/boxes/containers, etc I already possess. Finding just the right container took some time. No wonder just these 3 areas took me the entire time allowed! Unfortunately ~~on purpose possibly~~, I neglected to take "before" photos, so I will describe the "before" to you as best I can.

Coat Closet

"Before": Shoes stuffed in the hanging shoe rack and strewn about haphazardly on the floor. All the family's winter/summer accessories were jumbled in a big bin. Even though the bin was clear plastic, you still couldn't locate items without practically emptying the bin. What else, oh, yes, my old work bag (circa '08, still containing valid bus passes), diaper bags (2 filled, 1 empty), water backpack for walking and jackets the boys had already outgrown.

"After":

Restricted my shoe storage to the hanging shoe rack only (let hubby keep his 2 pairs of extra shoes on the closet floor). My non-seasonal shoes (loafers, boots, etc) were returned to my bedroom closet. (We keep our everyday seasonal shoes on the 1st floor, so we don't track outside elements throughout the house).
Transfered the winter/summer accessories to individual boxes labelled by owner/season. I repurposed matching "gift boxes" made by my MIL for this task.
Repurposed the clear plastic bin to store my old work bag (now emptied out), water back pack and kids travel cinch sack (a.k.a toy bag).
Used a magazine holder to house the shoe polishes and protectants.
Moved empty diaper bag and outgrown boys jackets to the boys' bedroom closet.
Transferred the "bag of bags" (canvas, shopping, totes) from the laundry center to this closet. This small change has already helped me save time.

Under the Kitchen Sink

"Before": Typical assortment of kitchen cleaning products (dish soap, dishwasher liquid), house cleaning products (window cleaner, furniture wax), specialty cleaning products (goo gone) and drain cleaners (Liquid Drano). Even though we have a child safety lock on the under the sink cabinets, I still wanted all those harmful chemicals moved to higher ground. Knowing I had room in my laundry center, where the cabinets are even hard for me to reach at times, I set about to transfer all cleaning products to their new home.

"After":

Nicely organized storage for the following non-toxic products:

Sponges (used the existing metal shelf/drawer combo)
Dust rags (housed in a cleaned, hospital bed pan)
Shelf liner
Garbage bags

Laundry Center

"Before": Simply put - A mess and a very poor use of space! Items piled on top of each other. Laundry detergent in all three cabinets. Various cleaning products salvaged from my mom's old house squeezed in any which way.

"After":

Cabinet above the washer: Laundry specific products - regular detergent, spot cleaners, etc. Yes, that is a shoe box holding the spot cleaners.
Middle cabinet: Dishwasher detergent, bleach, extra laundry detergent.
Middle pull down cabinet: Lint rollers, lingerie wash bags, sweater dryers
Cabinet above the dryer: Household cleaning products: glass cleaner, furniture wax, dusters, microfiber cloths, etc. Another fancy shoe box holds the specialty cleaning products (Zud, etc.). Empty spray bottles ready for when I make my homemade, "green" cleaners once I finish all the chemical cleaners.
Spaces between washer/dryer and walls: Drying racks (although I do want to find a way to hang them) and step stool
Hanging rod: I used some hooks I found to hold the dustpan and broom until I find a broom/mop holder at some future garage sale.
Baskets salvaged from holiday gift baskets now house picnic blankets.
Not pictured: I assembled a caddy of my "go to" cleaning supplies to expedite the cleaning house process.

While completing these projects, I did end up identifying items to either sell at the garage sale, donate: or offer on FreeCycle: cleaning products I don't need/use: multiple bottles of carpet cleaner (from my mom's house), spray starch, oven cleaner spray, etc and some shoes.

I am quite happy with the newly organized spaces and so far, they have stayed organized.

Sticky Fingers No More

2010-07-31T08:29:00.001-04:00

I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner . . . Transferring peanut butter and jelly/jam from its original jar to a plastic food storage container.

I always hate getting my hand all sticky when I go to make a peanut butter and/or PB&J sandwich. Especially, when you get to the bottom of the jar. Then, the other day while cleaning out the fridge, I noticed we had small amounts of jelly/jam in their jars. Tired of getting my hand all sticky trying to scrape the last remnants, I decided to transfer the remaining contents into smaller plastic food storage containers. Waste not, dear friend!

Then, the lightbulb went off and I decided to do the same with the peanut butter jar in the pantry. We buy the organic PB which has the lovely layer of oil at the top requiring you to mix it before using. Well, too many times, while mixing, the oil spills out of the jar making a mess of the jar and the counter, adding to my clean up time. Wouldn't it be nice to spread some PB on a slice of bread, close the container and be on my way to eating it, rather than having to clean up the jar, the counter, etc??!!! Ah, the simple joy of having a widemouth container to stir the PB and avoid the mess.

Now, when I open a new jar of PB or jelly/jam, I transfer it immediately to a plastic storage container. This means I only endure one occurrence of sticky fingers transferring the contents from the jar to the container. Even I can handle that one time inconvenience.

Sometimes it is the little things that make Janis so very happy.

Something's Gotta Give

2010-07-30T11:23:00.001-04:00

Ah, the dreaded cleaning schedule. Hubby and I sat down the other week and mapped out a draft of cleaning responsibilities. The schedule seemed doable and we accepted we would have to relinquish some free time to keep our house in order.

Last week, I created a Monthly Cleaning Schedule on Word so we could have a reference to keep us on track. In general, we complete tasks in the evening after the boys go to bed. However, because, according to my husband, my time is more flexible during the day (ahem!), I can accomplish some tasks during the day while the boys nap or play. In addition to my cleaning during the day, I would have an assignment each evening while hubby put the kids to bed (he does wake-up and bed routine daily). Hubby's assignment would occur after the boys were put to bed, usually something non-noisy (mop floors).

All was fine, until we had an opportunity to do some outdoor work while the weather was decent. This past Monday, when the heat index was not in the 100s, instead of doing our scheduled chores, I did weeding and hubby did pruning (both of which were sorely needed). I started weeding after I fed the boys dinner and hubby (baby monitor in hand) did pruning after the boys were put to bed (7pm). We were both happy to have a decent appearing lawn again; however, making up the "regularly scheduled" jobs has not been easy. If not for some lulls in hubby's work schedule, we would be behind already on week one of the cleaning schedule. Additionally, we realized yesterday (we're either a little slow or eternally optimistic) this schedule left us only our date night-in (Fridays) to be free of evening chores. No time for me or the hubby to go out, sans kids, to run errands or have some free time (i.e. no evening walking for me). We realized something's gotta give!

Hence, five days into our "schedule", I have already created a new version, affectionately called "Monthly Cleaning Schedule 2.0". This version incorporates tweaks from things we learned and assigned "free" time. For some reason, I don't think this version will be the final. As everything else, it is a work in progress, but it is a schedule, put on paper and posted.

For your viewing pleasure, in an effort to either inspire you or simply give you a good laugh on a Friday morning, attached are both versions.

Uncomfortably Numb

2010-07-27T23:01:00.002-04:00

I am only on my second week of this new life plan and I am already seeing two very familiar patterns emerging to sabotage my success. Ah, we interrupt "The Magic" for "The Psychosis That Is . . . Janis".

1) I am becoming a tad bit obsessed with keeping myself busy to prevent overeating. Here is a quick snapshot of the last 48 hours all while taking care of 14 mo. old twins from 8-5:30.

Transcribed the project schedule into a calendar format using Word.
Vacuumed and dusted boys room and guest room. Organized guest room and moved the project that was cluttering up that room to the basement. Vacuumed the remaining 3 rooms upstairs.
Weeded the landscaping in the front yard.
Went grocery shopping for baked ziti ingredients (with the boys).
Made baked ziti and dessert for a friend recovering from surgery.
Did basic household chores (dishes, laundry, mail sorting, food prep, etc)
Spent quality time with the cat.
Made a bank deposit before taking the boys to a playdate.
Spent time online (researching blogs, responding to email, Facebook, sent out an Evite)
Did a twenty minute walk pushing the boys in a stroller.

I realize to many people, this is business as usual. For me, this is overkill and leads me to #2.

2) I want to eat out of frustration. Example: I am tired from all my self-induced activity and my cat, Jack, is howling for attention. So, I begrudgingly agree to play with him in the basement. I bring with me my frozen pudding cubes (I allow myself 3 a day to satisfy a sweet tooth), sit on the couch, turn on the TV and use the cat toy to amuse Jack.

I really don't want to play with Jack. I'm not only tired, but I am angry I didn't put my "free" time this evening to good use (see #1). I should have started on a new project after I put the boys to bed and cleaned up the kitchen.

Anyway, I finish the pudding cubes and Jack still wants to play. Yes, it's been a whole 3 minutes, but I so want to go to bed! Argh!! My mind wanders to the 1/2 tub of chocolate frosting in the fridge (leftover from the brownie dessert I made for a friend). Yes, I have eaten straight frosting before, hence the reason for my appearance today. Getting the frosting requires me to get off the couch and go upstairs to the kitchen. The mere thought of expending any more energy at this moment keeps me seated, playing with Jack and checking out what we have on the DVR.

Surprise, surprise, it's an Oprah show dedicated to the book "Women, Food & God". How appropriate! Okay, I'll go with this being a "divine" intervention and watch. The audience members have each read the book and now have the opportunity to ask the author questions. Of all the topics, I related most to using food to numb and/or suppress emotions. I am tired and should say "Sorry Jack, catch up with you tomorrow" and go to bed. If I eat something now, then I put off the "feeling" of being tired/frustrated. The frosting would numb me for about the time it takes to eat it, then I would get sad/mad because I lost control yet again. It is such an uncomfortable feeling and a vicious, vicious cycle.

I finished watching the show and realized Jack had lost interest in the toy and I was free to leave the basement. I went to the kitchen (ignored the fridge), grabbed my laptop and headed upstairs to write this post.

Well, tonight, I don't have an answer for solving my sabotaging ways. I just know I am tired and no food is going to solve it, only sleep. So, good night friends.

P.S. We now return to The Magic That Is Janis already in progress.

That Scale is Tricky (tricky, tr-tr-tricky, tricky)

2010-07-22T09:06:00.004-04:00

I step on the scale daily, mostly out of habit because ~~apparently I like to torture myself~~ I need to keep tabs on my progress.

Yesterday, I stepped on the scale and nothing had changed from the day before. Oh, how I long for those days post-twin delivery when the scale would reveal I had magically lost 15 pounds overnight. One moment while I reminisce. Okay, back to reality. . . so, I was a little bummed, but I went on with my day, which included having two of my girlfriends over for a Girls Night In Movie Night.

When I sent out the evite, I included we would have pizza, wine, popcorn and candy. I wanted the evening to be fun, so I set the stage with bags of popcorn and assorted bowls of theatre candy. You know, the classics - Whoppers, Goobers, Junior Mints, Mike & Ike, Milk Duds and Sugar Babies. We started the festivities with thin crust pizza and some red wine. After "dinner", we (yes, that included me) loaded up our cups of candy and headed to the movie theatre (big screen TV and recliner chairs in our finished basement) to watch a chick flick.

Before we began the candy cup assembly, my supportive friends asked how this was going to affect my new life plan. I explained I was going to enjoy myself yet not overdue it and simply add another workout or two to my weekly plan. Also, any leftover candy would either go home with them (goody bags to bring to their hubbies) or to my husband, who would hide them in his office and enjoy them out of my sight.

Happily, I didn't go overboard, although I am sure, between the wine, pizza, etc, I probably consumed 1,000 calories. So, when I got on the scale this morning (after completing 4.5 miles on the treadmill), the scale showed I had lost 1.5 pounds overnight. What??!!! I mean, really, shouldn't the scale have read, at a minimum, the same weight as the day before or GASP, a pound or two higher. And no, I didn't change the scale's position or messed with it in anyway (I know what you were thinking - shame on you!)

This is not the first time my scale has played tricks on me. Many times when I have ~~binged~~ overeaten, the scale reveals a weight loss the next day. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it just my scale that plays tricks on my mind.

Anyway, I am not going to let the scale (I probably should name it, since we will be such close buddies/enemies going forward) fool me again and give me permission to continue to overeat. It's back to the Plan.

P.S. I welcome your suggestions for naming my scale. To help you, I'll describe it to you: white, square and non-digital.

On the Road Again

2010-07-20T07:47:00.000-04:00

A few years back I trained for the Breast Cancer 3 Day, a 3 day 60 mile walk to benefit breast cancer. During my training, I walked many miles along our back roads and encountered several animals along the way. I saw your typical rabbits and squirrels, but also horses, donkeys, turkeys, llamas, vultures and a fox.

My favorites for whatever reason were the cows. Maybe it was because they seemed the friendliest to me. Never startled by me, they just looked at me and would even walk up to the fence to get a closer look. Anyway, I always said I wish I had taken some pictures; however, I was in "training" mode, so no time for silly stuff like that! :)

Now, I am back on the road again, no longer training, just walking for myself. So, yesterday, I stopped to chat with my grass grazing friends and took my first pics. I love these gals and gents!

I am the Tortoise! (Goo goo g'joob)

2010-07-19T11:27:00.002-04:00

A few days into my "Independence", I have noticed a change in my approach. I am not sprinting to the finish line and this is a good thing. I am practicing a slow and steady approach.

My goal for this month is to walk 5 days a week. Notice I didn't state how many miles I must walk or set a time requirement. Thank goodness, because I have been struggling during this assignment. Let me explain:

Day 1: All is good. The forecast calls for rain, but I still walk from 5:45-7:15 a.m. I estimate I walked anywhere from 3-5 miles. I prefer to walk in the early morning for several reasons: 1) the exercise is completed and behind me, 2) the summer heat hasn't exploded yet, 3) I like the quiet of the neighborhood and I generally have the road to myself and 4) I don't have any witnesses, which is awesome since I am wearing my snug workout clothes, no make-up and carry my huge water backpack.

Day 2: My 39 year-old body is so very sore. I opt to sleep in, but then walk with my friend Caryn, her two kids and her dog at 7pm. I realize this walk will not result in a lot of mileage completed, but it is a walk,nonetheless.

Day 3: I sleep in again and just accept today will be a "rest" day.

Day 4: Didn't fall asleep until 2:30 a.m., so a morning walk was out of the question. My body has started to ache at night and I am finding it difficult to get a good night's sleep. All is not lost when my friend Dolores kindly accepts my offer to walk at 7pm. Since I have made an appointment, I now have to walk, no backing out. We have a lovely long walk and great talk (some may call it a free therapy session).

Day 5: This falls on a Sunday and I have the morning routine with the boys while my husband sleeps in, so no walking this morning either. After a day out with the family, I opt to walk at 7pm and I put out an invite on Facebook to my neighbors to see if anyone would like to join me. Although, I don't get any responses, I venture out anyway. Approximately a mile and a half in, I start having cramps and they will just not cease. I keep walking but at a snail's pace. Then, I do something I have never done before - I called and asked my husband to come pick me up. I didn't see it as quitting, but rather accepting I was in pain and needed to rest.

Today is Day 6 and I will be walking tonight again. Hopefully, I will have some company and if not, I will have my iPod (which I need to charge before I forget!). I am not sure how many miles I will accomplish on the lovely hilly terrain tonight, but I will walk and have completed my fifth day of walking for the week.

This week has taught me a very valuable lesson - I must become the Tortoise in this race to reach my goal of being healthy and fit. Slow and steady wins the race, after all. Besides, being the Hare is counterproductive - all that energy spent and still comes in last. Who has the time for that??!!!

"He never stopped, but took one good step after another." The Tortoise & The Hare

Independence Day

2010-07-13T11:24:00.001-04:00

This Bastille Day I turn 39 and I have decided to declare independence . . . from being overweight, unfit and depressed. I don't want to turn 40 and be the person I am today, so I am giving myself a year to prepare for the big 4-0! I want to be a healthy and active person in the remaining 40+ years I have left on this earth.

I am approaching my independence thoughtfully by making changes gradually. My focus for this 1st month:

Take a daily multi-vitamin
Measure portions and write down what I eat.
Drink water
Reduce or eliminate consumption of sugar, cheese, and processed foods.
Walk 5 days a week
Write a master list of projects and choose 3-5 projects to accomplish for this month.
Read books on nutrition and food (no diet books!).
Complete a blog entry at least 1x a week.

This blog will become my journal of this life journey, but it won't be all about nutrition and exercise. I will still post my thrift finds, life as a SAHM of twins musings and miscellaneous random thoughts. Maybe by the time I am 40, this blog will actually have a consistent theme.

Well, I have to get back to consuming all the remaining sugar, fat and salt foods in my house before the clock strikes midnight. I already finished the sugar cookies my husband made the other day (poor guy, I think he may have had 1 or 2) and hmmm, I do have some popsicles left.

Oh, this is going to be an interesting year!

Great Expectations

2010-05-11T10:19:00.003-04:00

The boys are fast approaching their 1st birthday and I still struggle with the discrepancy between my fantasy stay-at-home mom role and the reality. As with everything I set out to accomplish, I envision I will be the very best, have the task mastered quickly and move onto the next big thing. I seriously don't know why my mind allows this ridiculous thinking. My mind should know by now, I am slow to accept change.

At age 33, I finally accepted my role as a single, financially independent woman who simply had to let her guard down enough to invite someone to share her life. Next thing I know, I am married and I am struggling to accept the new role as a married woman who has to consider another person's needs and wants. Three years later, just as I am beginning to get the hang of being a married woman, I assume the new role of an unemployed married woman carrying two babies in her womb. Long identified by my "job", this double whammy was a huge shock to my system, so much so, I think I just put the blinders on and, let's be honest, slept through most of that transition. Today, I am a stay-at-home mom to twins, who has spent more time in the kitchen and laundry room these last 11 months, than I have in all of my life! As I entered each of these roles, I thought "I can do this and do it exceptionally well", then reality set in and immediately, the glass was not only half-empty, water was gushing out of the hole in the bottom.

I don't know if I will ever be good with change. As with most things in my life, I put on a "good front"presenting to the world I have everything under control, while underneath, I am holding back tears as I berate myself for failing to meet my great expectations. Then, in moments of quiet, I sometimes remember to forgive myself, then smile as I say "This is "The Magic That Is Janis", the good, the bad and the ugly cry.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

2010-04-29T09:58:00.002-04:00

Well, if that is the case, then those that read my blog, must be very fond of late. I have had so many topics that I have wanted to write about, but just as I think I have the time, one of the following would like my attention instead: 1) my offspring and/or husband, 2) my dirty house, or 3) my bed.

Side note: As I write this, a robin perched on my deck is looking in at me wondering what are you doing, either that or he is enjoying a quick listen to the beautiful wind chimes on this windy morning.

As my time is limited this morning, here is a quick recap of my crazy life:

Boys 1st Birthday Party: Decided on a theme - Barnyard Bash and have since been scrambling to do the party on a very small budget. The party is taking place 6 hours away at my in-laws, adding a whole other level of difficulty - transporting all the decor, etc. This is our party for the boys, so I don't want to put any burden on the in-laws. So, I am doing a lot of work on the internet searching for creative, inexpensive ways to decorate, low-key menu plans, a quick activity for the boys and their slightly older cousins, and of course, party favors/bags. I've already made 3 of the 4 small carrot cakes for transport. So, I am at least making some progress.

Garage Sales: Wow, last Saturday was a doozy. I went to 8 scheduled and 1 impromptu locations (3 of which were community yard sales). My mission - finding items for the boys and/or their party. I was hoping to find farm themed toys to use as favors or farm themed items for inexpensive decorations. I mapped out my route and 8 hours (probably 30 sales visited) later, I was home with a good amount of items - some completely non-party related, but items I couldn't pass up. I plan to do a separate Under $20 Finds post.

House cleaning update: Uh, the dust bunnies are winning. We will leave it at that.

Sanity check: I decided to resign as Treasurer of the HOA. I am having a hard enough time keeping our finances in check.

Blog obsession: I have been checking out several Frugal and Mommy themed blogs. I am learning a lot and find myself stressing out because I should be doing these wonderful things I find on the blogs, but can't find the energy.

Moving help: I have helped two friends pack for their moves. It is my thing. I am good at organizing and I know how people hate to pack. Besides, it gets me out of my world for a little bit and when they agree to a glass of wine in exchange, it sweetens the deal.

SATC2: Sex and the City 2 is coming out and I have had 2 requests to plan a girls night out as I did for the first film. It is on my to do list.

Appreciation for Q-tips: I forgot how useful Q-tips can be for getting into the nook and crannies of things. This is especially helpful when trying to clean preowned toys. Saved me a lot of time the other day.

Okay, I hear rustlings on the baby monitor. Thanks for listening and for your patience with my (lack of) blog posts.

Side note: The robin is long gone, but the wind chimes are singing beautifully.

Sometimes even SAHMs get vacation days

2010-04-19T22:37:00.001-04:00

I am fortunate to have a husband who loves me very, very much. While he was away on business and I was home taking care of the twins 24/7 for 5 + days by my lonesome, I mentioned, during one of our nightly conversations, how I would love some "me" time shortly after he returned home. In response, he said he had already scheduled a vacation day for the following Monday. At first, I thought "how nice, we can have a family day", then he went on to say how he planned to spend Monday taking care of the boys while I had the whole day to spend as I wished. A vacation day!!!

So, today was my first vacation day in almost 11 months! Here is how I spent it:

Slept in until 7:30, took a leisurely shower and dressed in non-stained, non-workout clothes. Even donned a pair of earrings.
Picked up the homeowners association mail at the post office.
Splurged on a salon pedicure while I wrote my "projects" list.
Stopped into Kmart to see if I could find some inexpensive valances for our kitchen windows and in addition found some clearance votives ($1.11 and $1.49) to use for Thanksgiving decor (yes, I said Thanksgiving and we only just passed Easter).
Purchased a bevy of fresh produce - spinach, snap peas, cucumbers, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, pears, grapes, bananas, and day old sub rolls - all for only $20.
Headed over to Tuesday Morning where I found myself organizing their stationery section. The clutter was driving me crazy and I knew I would find some really cool stuff during my cleanout. If you haven't been to Tuesday Morning - check it out sometime. It is like a Marshalls or TJ Maxx but on a smaller scale. Such fun!! I would have stayed much longer, but I had lunch plans.
Picked up takeout sushi to enjoy with my friend Sue at her house.
Ventured over to CVS to pick up some items on our grocery/card lists (Mother's Day is not far away). Love the deals at CVS and the Extra Care Bucks system. I earned 11 reward bucks today just by doing my normal shopping.
Stopped into SuperFresh for some baking materials. Those bananas I purchased earlier - the discounted, very ripe ones will be used to make banana muffins and my favorite recipe required I purchase some more applesauce.
On my way home, I deposited dues checks into the HOA account (I'm the treasurer), then checked out a new car inspection place as both cars are up for renewal (it is always something).
Got home to see the boys before they went to sleep, then proceeded to make dinner (chili) and six rolls of garlic bread (using the day old bread purchased earlier) to freeze.
After dinner, I caught up on some Facebook fun, while Mike headed to bed shortly after 8pm. Poor guy was a little tired.
Posted this entry.

Well, it is getting late and I am back to "work" tomorrow. Until next time! Good night!

Cleaning House

2010-03-23T20:12:00.003-04:00

Cleaning is a necessary evil and even more so when you have kids crawling around. In general, my husband and I are orderly people who keep a neat and "clean" house. Our definition of "clean" allows for some dust and occasional vacuuming, but the kitchen is almost always left with the dishes washed and counters wiped.

Years ago, when we were DINKs (Double Income No Kids), we attempted to share cleaning duties, but time and time again, I found myself the only one cleaning the bathrooms and subsequently getting very irritated. So, even with our tight budget (either saving for the wedding/honeymoon or saving for the next house), we hired a cleaning service and lived happily in our clean abode.

When we moved into our current home, we hired a new cleaning service, who does a better job, for a very reasonable price - $125 every two weeks. After I lost my job in September 2008, we decided to cut back on expenses and the cleaning service was cancelled. My husband and I agreed we would share the housework. Shortly thereafter, I found out I was pregnant with twins. I attempted to work out a cleaning schedule and realized whatever schedule I followed, the result was the same in the end. I was exhausted and the task was overwhelming. So, we hired the cleaning service again and have enjoyed our clean home.

As other expenses have crept up of late (car repairs, new washer/dryer, new water heater), I, as CFO of our estate, have to justify this "want" as a "need" and I am struggling to do so. Obviously, there are many pros to having a cleaning service, especially when caring for twins and being married to a man whose cleaning schedule differs from mine. Yet, when I look at the situation in dollars - I feel a little "dirty". $125 every two weeks + a holiday bonus adds up to a hefty sum I don't want to acknowledge in print.

As I was enjoying some downtime today, I came across an article in April's Body + Soul magazine, "The Meaning of Cleaning". The author writes about trying to turn cleaning into a meditative practice. The author is reluctant, as most of us are, to embrace the transformative experience cleaning can offer. As crazy as this sounds, I understand this concept and have enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment (dare I say, peacefulness) after I've scrubbed my bathroom clean from top to bottom. However, the moment is fleeting as I witness a dust bunny scamper across the hallway floor, mocking me.

Well, dust bunnies be damned, the days of the cleaning service are numbered and soon paying homage to the Porcelain God will have a whole new meaning.

The Planner

2010-03-08T09:56:00.000-05:00

Among my group of friends, I am known as "The Planner". I plan just about everything in my life and this penchant has carried over into our Girls Get Togethers. I am usually the one who initiates the conversation about getting together ("We haven't had a lunch/dinner in awhile."), then sets about planning the event. Sometimes I get a consensus on the date or I just pick a date approximately 4 weeks ahead. I figure if given enough lead time, people can make a commitment to attend.

Then, I will research what our activity will be. If it is a meal out, I will check out the new restaurants, inquire about themes (example: Restaurant Week or Prixe Fixe dinners), see if there are any specials (2 for 1), and make reservations. Sometimes, the activity is creative (Paint Your Own Pottery), indulgent (mani/pedis), a special event (Heart of the Home Kitchen Tour), or outdoor (planning a walk route in the neighborhood or find a local park).

My next step is to send out the Evite or email with all the details. In addition to the usual date/time, I will usually include links to available websites (restaurant menus, etc) and even provide detailed directions.

Why do I do all this? I'd love to say I do it because I am so generous, etc, but in reality, I am selfish. I like to spend time with my friends and I like to try new things and/or do something fun. Thankfully, my friends are willing participants. My group of girlfriends are strong-willed, outspoken natural born leaders, who take charge in all aspects of their lives. I think they allow me this indulgence of being The Planner because doing so allows them to sit back and let someone else take care of all the details for a change. Who doesn't like that every once in awhile?

Connecting in person, for a change

2010-03-05T14:30:00.004-05:00

Phone calls, Facebook and emails are sometimes necessary to stay in touch with friends because of this busy, busy life we all lead. However, nothing is better than connecting in person. You get the whole package - the facial expressions, the sound of laughter and immediate feedback.

This weekend, for me, is all about connecting in person. Today, I had a lovely time with my neighborhood girlfriends. Dawn hosted a birthday breakfast for Celeste and several women from the neighborhood were able to attend. I felt so energized when I left and not because I drank mimosas, ate scrumptious confections and tons of coffee. Chatting with the "girls" made me feel alive. Yes, we talk about our kids, but then we talk about other things - neighborhood happenings, date nights with the hubby, home renovation/decorating, part time jobs, etc.

Tonight, my friend, Megan, arrives for a visit. Tonight, we'll catch up over wine. Tomorrow, we'll join some other friends for mani/pedis and dinner. Sunday, we might do some light shopping and/or lunch before she catches her afternoon train back to NYC. I am so thankful for this time with friends and for my husband will be spending quality time with the boys in my absence.

Who are you going to connect with this weekend?

Won't you be my neighbor?

2010-03-02T15:16:00.005-05:00

Two years ago when I moved to my current home, I decided that I would make an effort to know my neighbors, beyond the ones next door or across the street. In my previous homes, I only knew one neighbor and our relationship was started only because they reached out to me. I can be a bit shy and reserved at times. Anyway, this time around, I wanted to initiate.

We moved into our house in January. Not an ideal time to try to meet neighbors casually, so when Spring arrived, I invited my immediate neighbors (5 families) over for a barbecue. I was pleasantly surprised when all the neighbors RSVP'd yes. As usual, I had way too much food, so much so, that one neighbor, Susie, teased me about my mustard selection because I had a mustard for any palate. The fact that she teased me was a good start. We had a lovely afternoon and so began our friendships with the neighbors.

Over the past two years, we have been so fortunate to have these wonderful neighbors. I even found out one of our neighbors graduated from the same high school as me, the same year! We found that out at my baby shower of all times (another story for another post). These neighbors are the kind you remember from your childhood - they bring over meals when a new baby arrives or when someone comes home from the hospital (yet another story), they help shovel the driveway and invite you over for impromptu drinks/dinner, they notice when you do stuff to the house or yard, they tease you about your lawn mowing skills (or lack thereof in our case), they ask how you are and mean it, and the list goes on.

Too often in this busy world, we rush home, pull the car in the garage and lock the door behind us. I have done this many times over the years and now I can only imagine how many connections I let slip away.

Even if you have never met your next door neighbor and you've lived in the neighborhood a couple of years, it is not too late to reach out, smile and say hello. Even if you don't see the person because of different schedules, a little note of "hello, my name is . . ." can go a long way.

So, in the spirit of being neighborly . . .

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

It's a neighborly day in this beautywood,
A neighborly day for a beauty,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you,
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So let's make the most of this beautiful day,
Since we're together, we might as well say,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?

Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my neighbor?

- Mr. Roger's Neighborhood

Not so ordinary

2010-02-27T19:00:00.004-05:00

CANCER (June 22-July 22). From a certain perspective, it seems this is an ordinary day in a long line of ordinary days. But look closer and you'll realize that something is growing and changing right under your nose.

How true! Today, we measured the boys and they are now too long for their infant car seats. I remember when we had to pad them with blankets to ensure they were safe and secure. Although, they are not officially crawling, they are moving about quite a bit. Jonathan crawls by pulling himself forward by his arms and/or by going in circles, while Matthew makes his way moving backwards. Also, they are becoming quite the conversationalists. Their favorite words/phrases of late (as we interpret them): hey, hi jack, momma and dada. Jack by the way is our cat. I say Jack's name a lot throughout the day - "Hi Jack", "Jack! get out of the way." "Jack! Will you please move!" "JACK!!!". So, I am not surprised the boys know his name.

Another "something (that) is growing and changing", is my love for my sons. My love for them is getting deeper as I watch them explore, learn and exhibit their own unique personalities. Although, they do frustrate me with their antics somedays, I find within moments of being frustrated I am laughing out loud, which makes them laugh. What a beautiful, not so ordinary, sound.

The Magic Hour

2010-02-26T10:32:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have been doing the 7am-7pm SAHM schedule and sneak in moments of "me" time during the boys nap times. I am a little burned out and after talking it over with my husband, I have decided to reclaim 7am-8am for myself. Since my husband can't guarantee he can be available for the boys dinner shift due to work commitments, he has opted to take the wake-up shift by himself. Not only does this give me some "me" time, it gives him one-on-two time with the boys, something he really enjoys. I think he really loves to see them first thing in the morning - their smiles light up the room.

I am calling this lovely 60 minutes, The Magic Hour. A segment of time during the day where I can just be. Ah, the things I can accomplish in this hour. Here is just a sample:

1) Sleep in/watch some TV/read a magazine (LOVE magazines)

2) Shower and get ready for the day while listening to tunes

3) Enjoy a leisurely breakfast and computer time (get a dose of the Daily Show on Hulu)

4) Do some paperwork (bills, etc)

5) Write my daily to-do list/project list

6) Prep meals for the day

7) Work out (soon I will be able to do my morning walks outside)

8) Do girly stuff - nails, exfoliate, play with make-up

9) Spend some quality time with Jack, my love-starved cat

10) Be creative (decorating, gift ideas, etc)

Some of you are reading this and saying "Why are chores on the list?" during The Magic Hour. It is just me, what can I say. Having peace and quiet to complete such tasks makes Janis a happy girl and that is what The Magic Hour is all about.

Do you have 60 minutes in a day to dedicate to you and what you want to accomplish? Try it. I am hoping to make The Magic Hour a habit.

Stuck in a moment you can't get out of

2010-02-25T16:31:00.002-05:00

Thankfully, February is a short month because this "moment" that I have been stuck in has lasted all month. I can't figure out exactly how it started, but slowly each day, I have lost a little bit of my "magic". The only list I've written lately is the grocery list and that took me days. I am the type of person who has a running daily to do list and ongoing project list(s).

Instead of accomplishing projects, I have been sleeping in and napping when my 9 month old twin boys schedule allows. I used to get up at 6am to shower and get ready for my day before the boys' 7am feeding. Somedays I would even workout for 30 minutes! I would get dressed in jeans and a shirt, put make-up on and do my hair. This month, I am lucky to get in the shower by noon while the boys play on the bathroom floor or in my adjacent bedroom. Putting on make-up consists of lipstick so I look somewhat alive and my hair goes back in a ponytail. I don't know why I bothered taking the ponytail out. My daily attire has drifted from jeans, to lounge/workout pants. I have just enough energy to take care of the boys from 7 to whenever my husband ends his work day, which lately has been close to 7pm. I am so relieved when he can take the boys and put them to bed.

I am hoping that maybe this funk has to do with the recent cold, snow and dreary days. I am looking forward to when I can get out of the house to go for walks with the boys and get some fresh air.

Well, back to reality - Jonathan is wailing, so off to be Mommy.

Wish Lists

2010-02-23T10:50:00.006-05:00

When it comes time to buy a gift for someone, I really want to find something that reflects the person. Sometimes this is easy and other times a real struggle. Recently, I was browsing through my friend's blog and came across one of her entries where she wrote about creating a wish list using Amazon.com. Intrigued, I checked it out. I found an assortment of items from small to big ticket. It is a great way to keep a running list of items that catch your eye. Since I LOVE lists, my wish list will be items that help me realize projects that have been sidelined for one reason or another. I may never purchase all these items or receive them as gifts, but the Wish List will be a place where I can dream and play. Check it out for yourself http://www.amazon.com/wishlist.

Taking stock

2010-02-12T13:51:00.007-05:00

Last January, while still a Facebook newbie, I received the "25 Things" note that was popping up seemingly everywhere. I hesitated at first, but then one nostalgic night, I compiled my list. Every now and then, you need to take stock of who you are.

1. I've lived in 5 states (NY, NJ, DE, OH, PA) and although I spent the most time in NJ, I felt the most comfortable in DE.

2. I enjoy horoscopes and getting my palm/cards read, however, realize I make my own destiny through the choices I make. Also, I am not as domestic as my Cancer horoscope describes.

3. I had a life altering event happen to me when I was 9. I still wonder how my life would have been different had that event not occurred.

4. I was raised to be very independent and not rely on a man for anything, especially emotional support. I have kept most of my independent spirit, but finally let my guard down to allow a wonderful man, my husband, to know the true me (bad behavior and all).

5. I could have been more successful climbing the corporate ladder but 1) I have always had an issue with authority figures, 2) I didn't agree with the sacrifices I had already made and would have to continue to make and 3) I changed my definition of success.

6. After struggling to have a relationship with my brother for the past 30+ years, I finally made the difficult decision to shut the door this past Fall.

7. My friendships are very important to me. In general, if you are my friend, you will be my friend for life. It takes a lot for me to end a friendship. I am grateful to my friends for getting past my very protective shell and my tendency to hide when I am going through a rough patch. My friends have made me a more loving and trusting person.

8. I am a list maker with lists that range from groceries to life plans.

9. I have songs and albums that represent my experiences during various stages of my life. I can hear a song and be transported back to that moment in time instantaneously.

10. I struggle with my weight. I have had moments in my life where I was happy with my weight, but more often, my weight reminds me that I still have self image issues to address.

11. I am happy with my relationship with my parents. I appreciate them, now more than ever, as individuals who have strengths and weaknesses. I am grateful for all that they have taught me (good and bad) and I look forward to learning more as I become a parent myself.

12. I would love to someday own and run a "no kill" shelter for abandoned dogs and cats. I sometimes go to the SPCA just to show the dogs and cats there some affection. It breaks my heart to leave them and I often drive off with tears in my eyes. My cats were adopted and I feel so fortunate to have them in my life. Those damn ASPCA commercials with Sarah Mac Lachlan make me cry every time!

13. I have always wanted to be an actor, but chose a "more practical" career path. I have always felt my expressive face (a liability in my day-to-day life) would be an asset in the acting profession. My ultimate role would have me acting alongside Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep.

14. In the past few years, I have tried to make decisions based on my heart rather than my head. My mom wished she could visit her sister in GA (she had never been), but didn't have the money to travel and didn't want to travel alone. My head said, "you don't have the time or money for this". My heart said, " this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity". So, last September, I drove my mom 12 hours to GA to visit her sister. I got my once in a lifetime road trip with my mom and got to visit with my Aunt and Uncle. Since that trip, just a year ago, my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer, my uncle died unexpectedly and my aunt's failing health made it necessary for her to move to NC to be closer to her sons.

15. I love to laugh and I love when I share a laugh with someone. I am not a joke teller, so when I share a laugh with someone it is because there is a connection on some level that sparks an understanding. It is a beautiful thing.

16. I love when I recognize a moment that will become a memory. A moment could be an event, a conversation, a glance, an observation.

17. I wish I liked having my picture taken. It is something I need to work on, especially, now that I am going to have kids of my own. I don't want them looking back and saying "where was Mom?".

18. I would like to write a children's book so I can share my silly, imaginative side.

19. I try to be fair and consider both sides of every situation. This is not always best, especially when a loved one is looking for support. They don't want to hear the other side - at least not in that moment.

20. Although, I am good at debating (a.k.a arguing) it is not one of my most attractive qualities. I am very aware of my capability to verbally rip someone to shreds, so I often back down when confrontations get really heated.

21. My eyes are my favorite physical feature. Although they sometimes betray me by revealing my true feelings, they often serve me well to get my point across in one simple glance. And . . . I get the most compliments on them. :)

22. I have struggled with depression most of my life.

23. I began working at 14 and have only been without a job twice in my life: 1) during a semester at U of D and 2) now.

24. I am nervous about raising kids. Being a parent is such an awesome responsibility and I know what I put my parents through (egads!). I am proud of myself that I chose a man that is not only a wonderful husband for me, but will be an amazing father for our children.

25. I love swings and someday will have real park swings in my backyard. It's the kid in me, I guess.